Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in mr_jacobie's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
1:25 am	Auto-Biography "All these stories are the stories that have made me the man I am today" Introduction I don’t much know why I’m writing an autobiography at such a young age, but it feels like the right thing to do. With all the things I’ve done and seen thus far In life, heck there might be another two or three more to come. It might not be the most exciting book you’ve ever read, it’s certainly not “Treasure Island” or “The Great Gatsby” but it’s all real. In recent years I’ve gotten the feeling that I’m really starting to know myself and it made me want to share my story…or stories, with other people. I hope you all enjoy it and it is my sincere wish that there is a little something in here for everyone. Background…Check I was born on March 29th,1987,the same day that Hulk Hogan defeated Andre the Giant in just under 12 minutes during Wrestle mania III in front of a crowd of 94,000 screaming fans. I wasn’t born to a horde of screaming fans, but I’m sure I was doing enough screaming for the whole hospital that night. My mom says that I was the most mild baby of the three children she had, and I say that’s just because I was saving my energy for when I got older. My family was never poor, but we were never really rich either. Money wasn’t a subject that was talked about a lot in my household to begin with, we got presents on Christmas, birthdays and Easter and there was always food on the table so I guess that was good enough for us.Plus,we were raised in a household that never really put much thought into what we did or didn't have,we were always busy with church activities. My father was a reformed drug addict slash dope dealer who had his heyday in the 70’s,listening to Jimmy Hendrix, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, and all the other bands that those kind of people listened to. My mother was a Catholic school girl who’s father died when she was 11 from a brain aneurism in his sleep. She never mentioned him much when I was growing up, but I’m sure he was a great man. She grew up a hard, hard worker and that’s something she tried to instill in all three of us growing up. My dad’s father was a retired naval pilot who started a construction business in southern Maine in the 1950’s and he still runs it to this day, almost 60 years later. My grandmother was a Baptist Sunday school teacher whose Indian blood made her very hot tempered sometimes but she’s the most loveable thing you ever laid eyes on. My parents met In 1974 at a corner store arcade in Lisbon Maine, where they grew up. My dad was buying milk and my mom’s friends dared her to go talk to him. The rest is history. They got married when my mom was eighteen and ten years later after they had my brother and sister I came along, I’m guessing by the age difference that I was a surprise. By the time I was born my father and mother had stopped with drugs and alcohol and gone to Tulsa Oklahoma to attend Bible school and then moved to Northern Maine to start a church. My dad bought an old burned out farm house on Route 1 in Presque Isle and gradually turned it into a beautiful house with a three car garage that most American families would kill for. From the stories I heard in church and at the foot of my door when I was supposed to be sleeping it was a really long process that involved a curtain as a bathroom door. My brother would surprise guests that were in the bathroom by lifting the sheet and yelling WHOOOOOO! like a crazed lunatic. According to my mother,Bobby was quite the handful to raise.That's a statement that anyone who knows him these days might find hard to believe considering how mild mannered he is.My parents referred to him as being "wired for sound".He would do everything from not sharing his Cheetos to sticking forks into light sockets at the church.I'll attribute his curly hair to that moment in time. My siblings both had,and still do have traits that they share with me both physically and personality wise.All three of us are meek in nature,and as hard headed as a ram when we have our minds made up about something.I share with my brother a more liberal imagination for the way things are while my sister relies solely on the things she learned from our father and the teachers that influenced him in his early adult years. Sometimes I think back to when we were kids and my sister was really like our second mother.She still did sisterly things like dress me up as a doll with her friends but a lot of times when our parents were gone to meetings or on vacation it was my sister that looked after us. That motherly instinct stayed with her as my brother and I grew older and I genuinely think that it has caused a rift between us.It's not that she even realizes it,but she still feels the need to take care of us. Childhood As a child in Northern Maine,or as we refer to it "The County" there isn't much to do as far as entertainment goes. It's a place straight out of the movies in some senses,cut off from the rest of the world,an island unto itself. I guess that would explain the name Presque Isle.Presque Isle was once a booming military town,teeming with troops from nearby Loring Air Force Base.The only other real sources of income there were potato fields,Service Merchandise and the McCain's potato processing plants that dotted surrounding towns.Having said that you can imagine how one might get bored if you weren't an outdoorsy type.Back then,even though it was the late 80's we didn't have nearly the same technology based toys that we have now.No X-Box,no computer games...we didn't even have cable tv.All we had was hundreds of acres of dirt and trees.My father made sure we were always occupied though,my brother and I both owned guns,atv's and snowmobiles by age 5.We also were taught the intricacies of fireworks.This included how they were made,and sometimes...how to make them ourselves.I was too young to remember much other than breaking my arm when I was three,I fell down the stairs.That sparked the chain of injuries I've endured over the years. One time,I was wrestling with my brother in a spare room off of the kitchen,it had a blue and hunter green shag carpet. There was a fish hook stuck in the carpet and it made friends with my butt cheek.My grandfather showed up and decided the best course of action was to try and perform surgery on me with a pair of needlenose pliers.After much trying to no avail my father brought me to the hospital stark naked to get the hook removed.My mom says that I rode the whole way with my butt to the windshield,mooning all the traffic that passed by us. Every time I got hurt like that I remember my mom getting hysterical like any mother would and I learned quickly to try to hide things from her unless it was urgent.When I broke my arm,my parents said they didn't know it was broken for a few days because I wouldn't tell them it was hurt.Not bad for a three year old huh? There were a few things I picked up quickly in my household.I learned to love animals,to never ever lie to my parents,and that when we did something wrong judgment was swift.We had a lot of pets growing up.At one time I can remember having two lizards,two crayfish,a parrot Isaiah that would bite my ear,a Siamese cat who's name escapes me,guinea pigs and my best friend Robin.Robin was an Irish Terrier and we had a special bond.He was referred to as the family dog,but I followed that poor thing everywhere so I think that made him more mine than anyone's.Despite the love that our family had for animals,they never seemed to last long in that house. Robin had the longest tenure at ten years but even he got hit by the mail truck a couple times.The cat's would get eaten by coyotes or just disappear,guinea pigs....well they just seem to drop dead.Even Isaiah died an untimely death.I distinctly remember thinking something was odd when I walked downstairs one morning to find him hanging upside down in his cage. A few months after I turned five,in the summer of 1992, my dad announced that it was time to leave Northern Maine and head south. He had a minister friend(Dave Roberson)that had a church in Tulsa Oklahoma and Dave wanted help running things so my father prayed about it and decided that it was God's will to help his friend out.We arrived in Tulsa a month before I was to start kindergarten,not very much time to get myself adjusted let alone make friends. The first friend I made in Tulsa was also the first boy I ever got into a fight with. For some reason which I don't remember he spat on me so the bus driver forced us to sit together for a week til we settled our differences.After a day or two of being hard headed we grudgingly made the best of it and eventually became inseparable.Without my dog there(he had to stay back in Maine due to old age and was put down)I had to make as many friends as I could to avoid being the weird Yankee from Maine.Kyle Waisner, a full blooded Cherokee chief's son was the first one on the list.I wasn't allowed to have sleepovers at other people's houses back then so he usually came over after school Friday and would have his mother pick him up Sunday morning before my family went to church.Looking back,he was really one of the only actual friends I had there,save Franky my friend from Maine who moved there in 1994.Franky,or "Swanky" as I called him was my first friend in life. He was the Yin to my Yang. While he was climbing book cases or playing in the toilet I was standing beside watching,making sure our parents didn't find out what we were up to.We had our first drink together at age 7.We found a bottle of wine in the back of his mother's fridge and took a couple of generous swigs and after deciding it tasted much like cat pee smells,we swore of alcohol. Instead we looked to other forms of entertainment,like drinking inane amounts of sugary liquids and exploring the vast fields behind his family's farm in Owasso.We found all kinds of things back there whether it be milk weed,rattlesnakes,ponds or gigantic old piles of cow poo that we would throw at each other.Looking back,I'm glad my mother never learned about many of our exploits,I probably still wouldn't be able to sit down to this day.There's not enough room in these pages for me to write all the adventures we shared together,although I wish I could.These days Franky can be found in Okinawa Japan where he is stationed as a U.S. Marine. School in Tulsa was easy as far as I remember. The teachers were great,the kids were pretty easy to get along with even though I didn't share their love for Barney and Power Rangers.Jenks East was where I began to love the things that I still love to this day. I owe all that I've done on a basketball court to Mrs.Fronapple my elementary school gym teacher.She probably wouldn't remember me if I saw her today but she made a very big impact on my life without even knowing it. She taught me how to shoot a ball and dribble it when i was 6,and after that day I ran home and begged for a basketball hoop til my parents had one installed in the driveway after Christmas one year. Anyone that knows me probably can't imagine what I'd be like without my love for basketball.No statistical quotes about Michael Jordan's scoring average or the vertical leap of Spud Webb?No in depth arguments about why my favorite team is superior to theirs?It's not something I want to imagine going without! I had to hide my love for basketball from my parents from an early age.I'll admit that I had a slight obsession with the sport from the minute I laid eyes on that round leather ball.It quickly grew to the point where I was wearing out shoes every two months,wagging my tongue like MJ and getting calloused hands even a forty year old construction worker doesn't boast because I was shooting and dribbling so much.Once my dad became concerned with the time and effort I was putting into basketball instead of say biblical and academic studies the punishments started to come in.I wouldn't be allowed to look at my basketball cards for a week at a time,or they would hide my basketball until my room was clean.I don't remember what age I was,but after I saw the movie "Pistol" based on the life of Pete Maravich I even slept with my basketball.I learned some tricks growing up which included waking up at midnight long after everyone was already asleep and sneaking outside to shoot around.There's a freedom and a bond that I've always felt with basketball that I've never felt anywhere else. The house we lived in in Tulsa was a large ranch style house that had been built in the 70's and there was evidence of it all around. The lime green toilet,orange carpet in my sister's bedroom and golden chandeliers all were proof that this house truly was from a different era. I shared a room with my brother,it had been a sun room before and we converted it into a bedroom.I think it's the only bedroom I've ever seen to this day that had tile floor and sliding glass doors.There was a small basement in the house attached to the garage where I would hunt for toads and lizards frequently.Some of those toads suffered deaths due to my love with blowing things up,but we won't talk about that.The house sat on two acres of property with a large wooded area in the back where we had many an adventure. My brother discovered the awesomeness of poison ivy and also the gold mine that was a huge old junk yard.We would break in and pillage the old cars of their hubcaps and antennas then march them back to the house like we were pirates.It was really fun,when my brother wasn't stealing my loot or beating me up. I got the classic little brother treatment until my brother moved out of the house when I was 12.Somehow I always ended up with phantom bruises that he could never explain and a lot of times I accepted the blame for things we were equally guilty of.One time in particular we were playing in the living room when my brother dared me to throw the rubber tubing from my slingshot into a ceiling fan to see what would happen.Naturally it hit one of my mother's crystal chandeliers and sent a light covering crashing to the ground in a million pieces.As I stood there shell shocked and wondering how I could numb my butt so I wouldn't feel the spanking I was going to get,Bobby laughed and pointed out what I'd done to my dad who was across the driveway talking to our neighbor/landlord Mr.Plumber.There were other times though that he was the best brother in the world,like when he taught me how to make a bomb out of a Gatorade bottle,gun powder and firecracker fuses.I'll leave the details out but needless to say there are some very tall trees that I'll bet are still charred and missing branches due to being part of our blasting area. Mr. Plumber was a jolly old beanpole of a man as I remember. He taught me how to skin a rabbit,helped fuel my fascination with rocks and fossils by pointing out different kinds that were floating around the vicinity of my house and he let me watch him tinker with cars and machinery while he was working in his shop.He was kind of like my stand in grandfather.The rabbit skinning took place after I found a dead rabbit next to the grape vines that divided our property from his.I took it by the ears,brought it to his house and presented it to him like some it was sort of a trophy.He had it skinned in less than five minutes and I was left with a bunny pelt that I let dry in the driveway for a couple days.After that it held a place on my bureau for years along with my other prized possessions until one of my parents or my sister found an opportune time to throw it away. My least favorite part about Tulsa was either the lack of snow or having to endure my sister's three hour show choir concerts that she sang in at the high school.All I have to say about those nights is PURE TORTURE!I think I've heard the song "Oklahoma" more than the people who wrote it. The snow was another matter altogether. Having come from a place where we averaged over nine feet of snowfall every winter,you can imagine my sadness and anger when I discovered the chances of having a white Christmas were about as high as me winning the Power ball. God and Santa answered my prayers and wishes one year though with a record 11.4 inches of snow. As the rest of the city sat wondering what on earth had just happened, I strapped into my snowsuit and ran around terrorizing the country side with my sled for the next week or so til everything melted and returned to the brown-green dullness of a normal Oklahoma winter. In 1996,after four years of ministerial work in Oklahoma it was time to move again.The board at the church where my father was teaching with Dave had decided dad had become too much of a "Fire Breathing Extremist" and that he needed to cool his jets or pack his bags.My father was a very proud and stubborn man so he chose to pack the family up and move us to Idaho.We left behind the place that I had grown attached to,and it was the first time I ever remember feeling resentment.I didn't want to leave my friends and my big driveway with my basketball hoop just to start over again,I was comfortable.If it were up to me we would have stayed there forever.But alas,my dad's word was the last word in the house and we moved.Again.I packed my Stretch Armstrong and my Batman toys and watched out the window of a Uhaul truck as we pulled out of Tulsa on a 114 degree day in mid July. The Nelson clan pulled into Hailey Idaho July 10th 1996.It would be the first time we ever lived in the suburbs.It was kind of a strange feeling looking out one window and seeing houses surrounding you and then to turn around and see the towering mountains.Our neighborhood was in an area that is described as "high desert". If it weren't for the complex irrigation systems,nothing but sage brush would grow.You could always tell where the irrigation ditches were because there would be a small forest of trees growing on each side making the image of a big green snake if you were to look down on it from a plane. I remember when I first got to Hailey,thinking"there's no way this can end well". The whole way pulling through town I didn't see a trace of anything resembling a basketball court.For the first few weeks I resorted to filling my family freezer with trout caught from the Littlewood river.The first friend I met in Hailey was Rase. He was five years older than me but he was just as in to basketball as I was at the time so that seemed alright to me. My brother and he would go on to become best friends.We all used to play lots of basketball in his driveway after we got to know each other.There were fierce basketball debates,Rase was a hardcore Seattle Super Sonics fan and my brother and I were just as much about the Chicago Bulls.It was right around the time when Michael Jordan had made his comeback to basketball and I grabbed on and didn't let go.I remember praying every night asking God for tickets to attend MJ basketball camp.I should have known my dad never would have gone for that,but I still tried.Persistence has always been maybe my strongest quality. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
3:07 am	I drove down the road this morning It was well past 4 am A few crazy thoughts,they crossed my mind And I started to think of what this world would be like If it were up to me What would happen with no guns,with no depression What would happen in eternal daylight In a world where we don't sleep What would happen if there were no land mines And all the babies had their limbs Well I guess it's just a crazy thought What would happen with no cancer,no crazy thing called HIV? What if I could heal the masses just like I used to see on T.V. What if there was no more murder in Africa...over some silly clear stones What if we blamed ourselves for what we've become Instead of being quick to shift the blame? Well....I guess It's just a crazy thought What if we stopped to take a second to look at what's left around us? What if we all would lend a hand What if we really wanted change,instead of only talking about it at election time What if we cared about family on every day and not just Christmas time What if the rich really wanted no more poverty,instead of only when they want to be seen Well....I guess It's just a crazy thought. (Comment on this)
3:00 am	I never meant to love you Oh just for a little while Cause you see I'm not that kind of guy I had every good intention of seeing this thing through Baby let me explain There she was...sitting in the diner all alone,tears coming down her face What's a man supposed to do? So I sat down beside her,pure intentions running through my mind But deep inside she made me wanna do the things that only single men can do I Should have just kept on walkin I should have passed the forbidden tree on by When she gave me that phone number I swore I'd never call But baby you were never home,you were always gone, You left me on my own and so i picked up that phone Dialed and hung up,then dialed again Her voice was too much to handle I'd thought about that moment for far too long After that first kiss it was history And now I'm reaching for excuses Searching for answers,looking for ways to let you go gracefully But I promised you I'd never go Oh no I'll just have to write a song about you So my heart it won't forget you And at last someday I'll say I'm sorry (Comment on this)
2:54 am	Well I walked on past your house this mornin' Just to see what's goin on, You see I haven't got a call in a few days And it got my mind a wonderin Thinkin what did I do now? Even a wise man doesn't have all the answers Oh they say that only fools rush into love, now it looks like I shoulda listened two weeks was way too soon and now I'm just another victim I've got myself caught in your web No I haven't forgotten where I started,walking past your window what I seen was kinda shocking You could have had the curtains drawn That man on top of you wasn't me It wasn't me that had you gripping on the sheets The sheets where I used to lay But I'm not gonna be your victim No not after today,and you can't blame me for what I do to the other guy That's all I have to say....I'll go now and lick my wounds (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 7th, 2008
3:45 am	Don't you know that he's never gonna come back? Didn't you know he was gone for good when he walked out of that door? I guess I can't blame you for being this naive But in the future,could you try a little harder please ? Don't you know...Life's always gonna be this hard? Don't you know,That we're all in this together? Don't you know you're not alone? Breathe..... Don't you know...There's no escaping uncertainty Don't you know,There's no losing yourself in this world Don't you know that you could run and run for miles, You could hide behind walls of deep and dark poetry You can cry yourself to sleep But one day we all must face reality and see That this is the way its always been,and this is the way it will always be "And when we all come to the realization that Life is here to Live,to make mistakes and learn from them,that's when we really start to experience the splendor that is in this world"-----Anonymous (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 8th, 2008
2:18 am	At one point in my life,A point that I can't even hope to pinpoint, I lost hope in humanity.I lost hope in the world that I had once come to love, A world that I think I knew didn't really exist but that I was foolishly still hoping I could trick myself into thinking was real.Somewhere along the road, I started to grow up. I experienced first hand things that take the innocence we all should cherish as children away.I learned that no matter what you do,you always lose. That's what our life on earth is all about if we get down to the gritty details. No matter how much we win,or how much we think we win,we are actually playing a losing game in the long run. The people we love all eventually die or fade away, the things we think we will never forget fall into a backdrop of lost memories that will probably never be dug up again. Your friends, or the people who you consider friends, decide that it would be better served to look out for themselves than to keep the selfless attitude that we were all brought up with. 90% of us become caught up in a life that would be better fit for a silver screen. We become part of the rumors that plague so many of our peers,rumors that most times are unwarranted.What is it all for? To feel better about our own petty existence? To make ourselves feel important?To keep the same self righteous,falsely pristine image that we create of ourselves? EVERYONE is guilty of something. No one is perfect. It's when we forget this,when we become the self righteous whore that we grow up despising and vowing to never become that we change.We become something that our parents shouldn't be proud of. I wonder at what point did people decide it is better to make up faults about other people than to put a magnifying glass on their own. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 7th, 2008
4:22 am	Excuse me Lord,If I'm speaking out of turn It's just these difficulties that make it hard to be The Man I always knew I should be There's a war that rages on inside of me I want to hear you calling my name Telling me to come on home Telling me this dream is over,telling me I've been sleeping all this time There's someone in the mirror there,It's the better half of me He's a perfect stranger,yet a reflection of me And it's strange to see,what everyone around me fails to see. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 1st, 2008
3:52 am	At one or more points in our lives,we all make a mistake or go through a tragedy that we feel no one else can relate with.What I am realizing now is that there are more people out there just like me.It was very cocky of me to treat the whole world like it owes me something for the past six years give or take a few. My adolescence felt like i was tumbling through an unforgiving wave in the ocean.I took on a "me against the world" attitude and it has proved to be one of the more humbling times in my life. I've failed time and time again.At times I lay in bed and i look at the sky,putting everything into doubt,wondering if God is out there, and if he is,why he isn't changing my life for the better.I've looked at the success of people who I felt were much less or a good person than I have tried to be and wondered why they are so blessed.I felt growing up that i had to claw and scratch for everything that I've gotten whether it be getting into college by the skin of my teeth,staying in shape or having friends that I can trust. It wasn't until recently that I realized it was all my fault.The actions of my past have placed me where I presently am. During a dream I had last night the simplest of things flashed before my eyes."This world was and is yours for the taking".I've read and heard some version of that thousands of times growing up and have no idea why it took this long to sink in. In a way it made me ashamed.Not only of myself but of the generation that is now climbing into our positions of power. We are known as Generation X. A breed that the human race has never seen before. We are more famous for our failures and shortcomings than we are for changing the world.More famous for not living up to the potential that we have than for inventing things to better the place that we live in,but most of all we are known as the spoiled generation and are in danger of becoming known as the generation that "pissed it all away".I am as guilty of this myself as anyone else. I've chose to blame other people for things that have happened to me instead of taking the responsibility and initiative to change my surroundings. Barely making it through high school without going crazy was my mother's fault until now.Becoming a borderline alcoholic was someone else's fault until now. Dropping out of school was someone else's fault.Until now. You are starting to see the trend. Some of us truly are products of our environment.These are the crack babies, the street hookers who's parents and grandparents worked the streets before them.The drug dealers who have known no better life since they were babies.These are the underprivileged.Many of us, being suburban North America try to use the same excuse.We try to create a world in which we are the victims when really we are part of the problem.At some point in our lives,the majority of us(the fortunate,spoiled ones) began having things handed to us,figuratively or literally. I would dare say it's fair to assume that 99% of us don't know what it's like to collect dimes and pennies to be able to buy a new pair of shoes that we wanted at 10 years old. For middle and upper class America, The Bank of Mom and Dad was all we needed to get the things we wanted.Things started changing for me when I realized that I was wasting opportunity.As a result I dropped out of college. I didn't feel that i deserve to be there right now. There are people out there fighting to be in the position to get a College education.Half of us don't deserve the things we have. That doesn't mean we are bad people,it doesn't mean we are spoiled brats.It means that we should appreciate the things that we DO have instead of complaining about the 50 inch plasma that we don't have. It's about taking life by the neck and squeezing everything we can get out of it. Once Gen X does this, we can be in control of anything we want and truly live up to the potential that our parents laid out there for us. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
3:42 pm	Don't you know that I run this place, And I've begun this race, Must I rerun this pace? I'm the reason its become this way And their love for it is the reason I have become this praised They love my darkness, I make them heartless, And in return, they have become my martyrs, I've been in the poem of many a poet, And I reside in the art of many a artist Some of your smartest have tried to artictulate My whole part in this But they're fruitless in their harvesting The dro grows from my footsteps I'm the one that they follow, I am the one that they march with Through the back alleys And the black markets, The Oval Offices, Crackhouses and apartments Through the mazes of the queens, The pages of the sages And the Chambers of The Kings Through the veins-es of the fiends, A paper chaser's pager, Yo, I'm famous on the scene One of the oldest, most ancient-est of things Speak every single language on the planet, y'all mean? I am the American dream, The rape of Africa The undying machine, The overpriced medicine, The murderous regime, The tough guy's front And the one behind the scenes I am the blood of this city, It's gas, water, and electricity, I'm it's gym, and it's math, and it's history, The gunshots in the class And you can't pass if you're missin, G. I taught them better than that I taught them aim for the head And hope they never come back I'm glad your daddy's gone, baby, Hope he never comes back, I hope he's with your mother, With my hustlers high in my trap I hope you die in his trash, I can't help it all you hear when your crying is laughs Somebody'll find you tied up in this bag, Behind the hospital little baby, Beg to share what addicts had Then maybe you can grow up to be a stripper, A welfare-receiving prostitute And gold digger, You can watch on TV, How they should properly depict you, The rivers should flow with liqour, Quench your thirst on my elixers, I am the safe haven for the rebel runaway and the resistor The trusted misleader, The number one defender, And from a throne of their bones I rule, These fools are my fuel So I make them cool, Baptize them in the water out of Scarface pool, And feed 'em from the table that held Corleone's food, If you die, tell them that you played my game I hope your bullet holes become mouths that say my name, Cause I'm the King Of This City (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
7:58 pm	For Mom And Dad Lately, as my third year out of high school and second year of college comes to an end, I find myself giving a lot of thought to not only my future but also my past. I came to the same conclusion about my future that I have been coming to whenever I think about it. I have no idea where I'm heading in life! I look at the majority of my peers, and as we come to a close in our college careers, they have their entire life mapped out,just as they had in the past when they were growing up. This thinking sparked a desire to quietly observe and gain information from these people and I found some interesting things that I hadn't realized before.If you read this and think to yourself"Way to go moron,I knew that already"....well I'm sorry for putting you through pain.The rest of you,pay attention you might learn something. Most of these"kids" as people our age are still referred to, grew up in a very structured lifestyle. Every thing was about a schedule. Most people probably know what I'm talking about. Wake up at 6:30,breakfast at 7,school until 3,(insert extracurricular activity here) until 5,supper at 7, and so on. Couple the daily routine with a family vacation every summer and winter and you have what I have come to call a " Life Routine". Without even realizing it, you fall into a trance with a few highlights thrown in and the next thing you know,you're 18.Ready to move on to the next stage of your life.A chance for freedom!Little do we realize,most of us fall into the same. After learning all these things about my friends I compared them to my childhood and teen age years. The differences really were staggering. I came to realize that my childhood and teenage years were the exact opposite of those experienced by the people that I grew up with and even the ones that I am surrounded by now.9 moves before I turned 20. 6 schools,2 colleges.You can surmise from there how much "structure" I had as I was growing up.It may have been do to a lot of things included but not limited to my father being a minister,both parents being fairly care free and the fact that both of them liked to travel.Either way, the way I was raised had more of an impact on how I have turned out as an adult than I ever previously realized . I have great difficulty accepting the notion that adults need to settle down in one place and put down some roots. Leave that to trees. If I had my way, I would invest money, never get a job that inhibited me traveling freely,and would never stay in the same place for more than 5 years. Unfortunately,society today has come to frown on people like me. I hear all the time that I lack commitment, or that I'm immature.I'd refer to it as free spirited. It's not so much that i fear settling...but that my love for travel outweighs the desire to settle down and have a family. More than anything I fear that staying in one place will cause my life to become stagnant.With so much to be seen,so many people to meet,and travel being so cheap and accessible these days aren't we cheating ourselves by not leaving our state or province for 10-20-30+years except on vacation?The argument against this of course is that "you have to grow up sometimes,life Isn't about having fun all the time".I honestly can't count how many times I have heard that. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a street bum that lives in a train car and drinks beer all day. I want a career,I'm all for getting rich.I'm just against it interfering with my fun.As I argued within myself, bickering back and forth about what I could do to find a happy medium, I came to realize that this was all planned. A lot of people look at me in disbelief when I tell them my life story, how much I have moved around this early in my life. Some people even feel bad. I used to wonder and get mad when I tried to think of what my father meant when he said that there was a reason for the way he brought up his kids and now I think I know what he meant. I think that he was trying to shape me.Not so much shape me into something specific,but to make sure that I would avoid becoming something I would hate. What's that you ask? A corporate zombie. A 9-5 robot with 2 weeks vacation,1.5 children,a dog named Mitzy, a 20 square foot back yard in the suburbs next to the Andersons and the Smiths. My parents tried to raise us to be a free spirit.To raise us as kids that would think outside the box and not fall into the rat race that so many people my age are now falling into yet still be successful.So far,I think they've done a pretty good job. For Mom And Dad:) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
2:29 am	more from yesteryear "My Last Long Journey" I'll Throw myself into the river,I guess I've had enough I'll be carried away on an unforgiving ride I'll stand before its crystal waters,taking one long breath Just to think about what life's been like For when we stand on the brink One should surely clear our heads Before we slip away I'll begin in Maine,it seems but only fitting That the place where life began will be the beginning of the end Past the farms that I once called home,winding through the forests where we played Tumbling along I see the hill where my daddy was laid I wish he had more time to see his son grow up into the man that he became After that It's on past Tennessee,way down south where life's the way it's supposed to be Thats where I met my wife you see,she was the one love of my life There I pass the park where I first saw her So many years ago It seems but only yesterday Since I saw her pretty face At the end of my life's journey,when I make it to the sea,somewhere near Louisiana...I'll stop to think I'll think of those who loved me,and bid them all farewell I'll hope they wont be sad for me, this old man who's reached his end I want them to be happy,these few I've left behind me I've left the world in my wake,nothing but their smiles on my mind I didn't go out this way out due to grief or sorrow but rather looked at it as one last adventure....on life's long and winding road. Sincerely, One Satisfied Old Soul Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Smoke Rings in the dark-Gary Allan (Comment on this)
Monday, January 28th, 2008
1:31 am	New Song Sunnyside Up Me and you,we're like true brothers separated at birth we had to find each other and people like us they, don't come along every day Everything changed and now I'm......missing you,holding onto memories wishing you were.... here with me(x2) Every thing's all behind us now we can can just look and laugh inside jokes,Popsicle sticks in bicycle spokes it's all changed,its never gonna be the same repeat chorus(x2) The phone doesn't ring as often as it used to Luck is all that can keep us in touch I need someone,just a little like you It would help me get through Cause I'm having a tough time With life in general,there's some things only a friend can understand I'm sorry for leaving,I never meant to go, Didn't wanna leave you behind,but it just goes to show.... (Fading)Nothing good lasts forever repeat chorus(x2) end (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 16th, 2008
2:04 am	Poetry/Songs from yesteryear album "American Tragedy" That house was red,no blue,but now its burned pitch black Jimmy's parents really should have cut him some slack But instead they put on the pressure, Far beyond any reach of a sound measure And this is where it's gotten them Forced to live in a bubble Jimmy was taught to stay out of trouble No one ever knew the pain he felt Filled with lies, he put on a disguise On the outside his life seemed like nothing but clear and blue skies But on the inside a storm was creating It's been on his mind for quite some time Last tuesday seemed like the right day, To let the world know,just exactly how he was was feeling He was twelve years old,much too young to pull a trigger But this is where the new world gets you No attention is paid,no discussion takes place Just consequences are made Click goes the safety, his hands are shaky Its time to light the match,now pull the trigger He just wanted to slip away,away There was a real pain stained on his eyes,far after his heartbeat died No one came to Jimmy's rescue One more Twenty First Century,perfect American tragedy "Her Name Was Autumn" I still find myself just laying here Thinking of her face,those lips and those cold blue eyes All the nights,with her right beside me In the bed of that beat up Chevy Listening to the wind and our radio It was playing our favorite song The one we knew word for word The one I know I'll never forget But that summer's long gone I don't see her smile anymore Now that she's gone off to the big city Chasing someone else's dreams But I admit that I'm still hoping,when she turns on the radio That she'll remember that night not so long ago When our eyes would meet,and it seemed like we experienced forever But it turns out forever wouldn't last much longer I still have the radio,somewhere in a closet The one that played our favorite song The one we knew word for word The one I pray she never forgets "My Friend J.D." It's nights like these,the rainy ones That make me feel alone When I remember her,sitting there beside me Playing with her hair Those bright blue eyes put a perfect sunrise to shame There's a new girl where she used to be But she'll never take her place Things just Aren't the same And I cant get the ex off my mind About those promises we made The same ones that we made a thousand times before The ones we made before I forced her out the front door Why?I'll never be too sure But for now i just want to be alone Just me and my old friend Jack Lying on the floor,praying she'll come back "Knocking On Heaven's Door..(v.2.0)" I'll never forget the day I saw you there And those things you preached at me On the street corner not so far away There was a fire in your eyes,thats long since died You were speaking of when you came to realize That this life you came to love was nothing more than lies Lies and broken alibis,not the blue skies and dreams you'd been promised I'd love to take you back,before your soul was shallow Where there was hope there's a hole,an awful void no one can fill Not me,not him,not that brown bottle or those yellow pills How could anyone do a soul so beautiful so much ill? But once the devils had his fill, Once the daybreak comes again I hope I'll be there There to see the color come back to that pretty face No one will be whispering that you're such a disgrace Oh yes, what a glorious day that will be When I meet you at the end our bloody,beaten road And there we'll be Standing together,knocking on heaven's door "Matthew 18:10" (Verse 1) Father I know this life isn't what was planned for me But thoughts of a better time truly seem so far away I was hoping that one day you'd be back to come and take me home Far away from these dreams that keep pressing down on me But it's years too late and I'm still wrapped in these chains A prisoner to uncertainty Chorus Come back for me,don't leave me here I fear it's all but over,it can't be over,no...it can't be over(x2) (Verse 2) One sheep got lost,it went astray, Thats what the preachers say I cant help but wonder if that sheep is me Distracted by the bright lights and screaming crowds Not paying attention to this dark black shroud (repeat chorus) (Verse 3) Bring me back dear Father,this is my one last selfish plea My feet are failing,my voice is growing hoarse And sometimes i cant help but feeling Like i was forgotten,abandoned,left behind to figure life out on my own (repeat chorus) Outro-(Fade out) Here lie the dreams of a once proud man,beaten and downtrodden,never to be heard from again. "Heartbreak is an art,You're Michelangelo" There's one thing I feel that I must know Go on,do tell,we both know we saw this coming But when you said you loved me,all those years ago Was it all a lie?Was I just a game to play? Was it love or something like it, You're making heartbreak an art I feel like you're masterpiece Don't write,don't worry about me I'll find myself a new town Where no one knows my name And I'll try to settle down,or have I forgotten how I'll burn the memories of you and I And the things we once held close It's a shame your parents didn't teach you better It's not nice to play with a young man's heart In spite of the past I know I'd take you back I guess that makes me the weaker of the two I'm just a sucker for love Love or something like it - - - - - thats all for now,more tomorrow- - - - - Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 16th, 2006
11:55 am	random outbursts It's been a long time....too long in fact. But lets face it, at some point i was going to get a life and not be able to update every day.in actuality i'm only updating now to see if anyone still has livejournal. I was having a conversation with someone the other night(errrr morning) and we were arguing about random things. whatever would come to mind that had any chance to start a debate seemed to just come flowing out of our mouths.different things from the usual ones that people argue about.it wasnt about who sucked...the yankees or the red sox,or whether tom cruise is actually crazy,or who's hotter...jessica alba or whatever other female celebrity you can think of. i was asked what the meaning of life is. truth is i've never really thought about it before...i mean...i have but not really in depth you know? so i sat for a few minutes,woke my brain up and started grinding away to see if i could conjure up some answer that would sound educated enough to make sense,and the best thing i could think of was this"we're all here for some purpose,and if you can find that purpose,complete it to the best of your ability and have a positive impact on someones life,well then in my eyes at least....you're a success". that sent the other individual into a semi-maniacal rage. WHAT ABOUT MONEY,FAME,GIRLS,such and such? They were good points sure but if you think about it they say that the richest men(and or women) are most likely going to be the most lonely and empty.so that proves that no matter how much money you have it doesnt really mean you're successful. some of the poorest people in the world have been the most successful. I hope to get to a point in my life someday where the money and other superficial things dont matter.To get to a point where i feel like i've accomplished something more important that physical wealth and riches would be a better reward than any other i can think of. Michael Jordan(yes the basketball player) once said that once you find your purpose on earth,nothing else is imortant.the money,the fame,the girls,the endorsements,they all become secondary. Since then i've been wondering,"how do you know when you're doing what you're destined to do"? the response i got by someone i consider wise was"its like a light switch,you just know". Some people never get that swithced turned on,and it's really a shame.I hope to someday be a person that will have in someway influenced people in a fashion that will keep me remembered long after i'm gone.How i'll do that i might not know yet,but i've decided not to chase it, i know it will come to me someday, and that knowledge alone is enough for me. enough banter...it's xbox time! Current Mood: no-doze Current Music: open your eyes-snow patrol (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 9th, 2006
1:42 am	talks with the old folks if you ever want to do something fun and interesting, go find an old person and talk to them for an hour or so. you'll probably find that you're surprised how interesting it is. growing up,we're always taught that old people have alot of wisdom and what not but no one REALLY believes it. when you actually sit down and listen to them and hear what they have to say it's really awe inspiring how much they really do know and it kind of puts things into perspective. one thing i've learned from them so far- your dreams get smaller as you get older.most people dream big when they're young,because lets face it,we think anything is possible.but as you get older it seems that everything shrinks.your plans for life, your aspirations,even the literal world around you seems to get smaller.i was told to never let my dreams die. it's something that's not very easy to do as i've found,but looking at some of these people...they have had the most outrageous of dreams for what they want in life,they get accused of being dreamers or being un realistic but if they achieve their dreams they end up being the people that we look up to in life. it's really an amazing cycle. the people that are ridiculed come out on top while the cynics to criticize them for wanting something unrealistic stand there looking at them wondering why they can't have a dreamers life. another thing i learned- let words run off you like water off a ducks back as he said. he told me that if you don't take people's words to heart you'll end up in better shape than bottling them up...it's common sense really but i never thought of it like that before.good advice goes a long way,bad advice can kill you.you might be considered hard headed or arrogant or cocky but it will put you in a better place than listening to what people with no wisdom have to say the most important thing i learned from this person was about respect. out of everything we talked about, this was what we went deepest into probably. he told me that respect is one of the lost arts in life. looking around, i realized that yet again he was right. i've really taken it to heart to try and give everyone a certain level of respect but at the same time only give respect where respect is due. i've never been one to respect a person unless they earn it,it doesnt matter if its my friends,my family or even the president.i've found that the more you respect people,obviously the more they are going to respect you and the more seriously you'll be taken. respecting adults has always been something i've struggled with.they seem to look down on you,think less of you just because you're younger.but when you respect them and listen to them and show them that you can be mature,they start to take you seriously and in turn respect you as a peer instead of someone that's beneath them...and you're a better person because of it. that's about it for tonight,i'm bushed.the heat lost tonight...not cool.peace Current Mood: content Current Music: city of devils-yellowcard (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
6:47 pm	What's Going On In My Head? so yeah given my resurgance of interest in writing...or typing rather,i've decided to make a valiant effort at a daily "column"of sorts on here.we'll see how that goes.basically it's going to cover whatever random things are going on in my head,therby giving all of you a better understanding of how i think.today marks day number 1!. Ok so i'm turning 19 in 15 days and i realized,what good is turning 19?it's one of those years where you're just like....yay i'm a year older whoo.at least when you turn 18 you're considered an adult,you're close to graduating highschool and beginning the life of a big person.Anywhere from ages 15-17 are you're "start work and get your license years" so that's always fun.and plus you get tons of presents on landmark birthdays.alot of kids get new cars on their 18th birthday,probably so their parents would be less worried with them trekking away to college in a new car instead of the 1978 ford pinto that got them to highschool faithfully through the years. another quandry about turning 19? What am i supposed to do for my birthday? going to the movies or going bowling with mom and the fam is a little bit on the,shall we say,immature side? Theme park? there are none close to here and plus i think i've ridden every kind of roller coaster and waterslide at least once in my lifetime. 19 is too young to go out to clubs,so parading around watching my friends throw their guts up and being arrested for public drunkenness(however enjoyable that may be) is also out of the question. I haven't had a cake and ice cream party since i was about oh...say 12 so that's an option i guess(provided there's a scantily clad woman popping out of my cake).that people,was a joke by the way. Maybe I could have a mcdonalds birthday like back in the good old days. you know,scarfe down a few double cheeseburgers and a bucket of fries while i pound back a few root beers.after that,all my 17-20 year old friends could indulge ourselves in riding the merry go round,blowing party favors and sliding down the 3 foot slide that has poo streaks from the last little brat who had to shat himself while sliding without thinking about the rest of us who may want a ride later.I'm sure whatever i decide to do will be both boring but fun at the same time. The biggest problem I seem to be having is what to tell people when they ask what i want for my birthday. silly putty and gummy bears have lost their luster. a card full of quarters is about as valuable as a sack of dirt these days and fake poo,barf,eyeballs and assorted colors of slime just don't have the same effect on people as they used to.what i wouldn't give to still be able to unwrap a brand new whoopi cushion and run around with my friends all day making the parents "fart",laughing maniacly at billy's mom when she let one rip.a new car would be nice if you have an extra 15-30 thousand dollars you feel like shelling out to a college student.a year's supply worth of toilet bounty extra quilted toilet paper would be nice since i've been having to use paper bags ever since momma left home..again...that was a joke. i'm sure though that no matter what,i'll end up completely content stacking my birthday cards and counting all the 1,5 and 10 dollar bills i got from various obscure family members,pretending to think the "i would have bought you a car but i thought you'd like a picture of one better" cards are funny,thanking mom for the pack of notebook paper and erasers that i so desperately needed and telling grammy "wow i always wanted a shopping spree at the dollar store!".i guess i'll just have to wait for next year till and see if there's anything outstandingly special about turning 20.I'm Out! Current Mood: energetic Current Music: Tear It Up-Young Jeezy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
9:30 pm	what's a friend for? what is a friend exactly? it seems like these days the word is used so loosly that it's almost lost it's true meaning.You see someone at a party a few times and talk,and you start referring to them as your friend...you go to school with someone and you talk,you start calling them your friend.A "friend" is supposed to be someone you can rely on whenever you need them,someone who you can trust with things that you don't trust anyone else with,someone that will never betray you,never go behind your back someone that,as the metaphor goes,will take a bullet for you. I started thinking about that recently and i realized that alot of the people whom i consider friends may not be friends at all. They're just those people that down the road someday i'll probably end up referring to as "oh he's just a guy i knew awhile ago" or "oh i went to school with them". Even some of my best friends,when i got to thinking about it,i don't really even know,or trust,and for good reason. They're the kind of people that you'd tell a secret and it would be on the front page of a newspaper the next day. The kind of people that would never do a favor for you but would be offended if you didn't do one for them. The kind of people that talk behind your back when you're gone to everyone and as soon as they're around you they're your friend again. I'm not saying this without good reason. I'm not the kind of person who tends to blow things out of proportion but it seems like this one beared talking about. For some reason people feel the need to be fake around me. I don't know if it's that i'm intimidating or,maybe i just don't command enough respect to be real and honest around but for some reason most people just can't seem to be real around me or alot of other people for that matter.They want to be your friend when they need something from you,or when they need someone to talk to or someone to tell a secret to but it's a one sided alliance.Maybe it's the environment? In a small town maybe it just turns out that there are alot of cowards who don't have the courage to tell you what they think about you to your face,or act like themselves around you for fear that you might not accept them.sorta childish if you ask me but then again i'm the kid that everyone called immature growing up,the one that's never going to make it anywhere,the one that's "not going to get out of college cause he's too much of a dreamer".I've told some of my "best friends" things that i expected to be kept private just because that's the way things are with a real friendship and they turn around to ridicule and criticize me as a person,my character or my integrity but won't say anything to me personally. The worst part about all of it is that you can know someone for 4 or 5 years and turn out not to really know them at all.it's like they just talk to you to get information to talk about with other people.of course when it's brought up they shun it with such ferocity that you would think they are going to have a heart attack.Of course i'm your friend they say!of course you can trust me!but in their head it's a yeah right i'm gonna tell everyone what you just told me. i can't believe you're so stupid.now all of this would have been completley fruitless without some proof so i got some. i fabricated a secret that i told a few "suspect friends" just to see what would happen.well it turns out that the friendship tree is going to need a little bit of pruning. it's one of the toughest things you have to do as a person,cutting off people that you trusted for so long and thought you could talk to and confide in.it's gotta be done though. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: Time To Go-Jason Fioto (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 13th, 2006
10:36 pm	I Aint Mad At Ya VALENTINES DAY IS TOMORROW!.and i don't care.haha it's kinda funny actually.all you poor souls with signifcant others are going be to be toting them around tomorrow while i'm free as a bird to do whatever i please.MUAHA!take that cupid you dumb baby with arrows.i owned you biatch.i'm daring you,taunting you even to try something. i can take it. haha anyways yeah tomorrow it's basketball night with rick station...he can be my valentine anytime lmao.i'm ooooooout update tomorrow (Comment on this)
Monday, February 6th, 2006
5:34 am	long time no talkies so yeah this time it's been A LONG TIME...everyone seems to be abandoning livejournal which is always a good thing i guess. anyways i've been really busy with school and stuff. today i....wait today has been 24 hours for me. yeah i haven't gone to bed yet cause i had a lot on my mind.just pointless stuff too haha not even anything important.right now i feel like i'm on speed or something. it's completely nuts.i really just wanna go run around my house a few times but then i'd be tired and sweaty and probably would want to puke.anyways that's all for now have a good day all! Current Mood: curious Current Music: i never told you what i do for a living-mcr (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
12:32 am	3 Weeks Past the past 3 weeks or so since i've updated have been really awesome.i'd say amazing but that word has become cliche to say the least haha.i'm startin to get the ball rolling on me moving out of here so that's definitley cool. mom's gonna start having people come look at the house for the next few months while i finish up school here and as for me...i have to start packing stuff,applying at a few more schools,get a job situated in the new city and hopefully everything will be smooth sailing.i'm gonna miss everyone up here.that's what's been hitting hardest lately but i'm not gonna let it get me down,it's alot easier to keep in touch with friends nowadays than it was even 10 years ago. other than that i've met some new friends in the past few weeks.they're all pretty cool.i met a few new ones from halifax too...or rather got back in touch with them so we're all gonna hang out when i go up next which is hopefully gonna be in the next month or so. i've gotta be here for february break cause i've got some friends coming up to visit.it's gonna be one rockin time baby!the past few weeks have been a complete whirlwind!everything with school starting,freak snowstorms,all the stuff i've done with friends.it's been great. tonight i went to the basketball game and it was nuts. the girls tried their darndest but they just couldn't get it done.can't blame them though they tried and plus the other team was undefeated so that makes it a tid bit more difficult.the guys game however was crazy.horrible refs,hyped up teams,loud mouth fans(me,fred,wade...etc.)all made for a perfect atmosphere.we were ahead most of the game and then about 5 minutes into the fourth they started making a push and actually caught a lead. one of our guys was playing horrible but then zach came back in and they took control again and ended up winning by like 7.it's always great going to a tight game and seeing a bunch of my friends from highschool was nice.well......i'm ungawdly tired so i am gonna go hit the hay before school tomorrow.stay outta trouble,and if you must make trouble...don't let anyone catch you. i'm out like a light! oh btw i've got a killer cold so if you're around me,might wanna not drink after me or anything.later! Current Mood: sick....yet happy.wierd Current Music: if i could be like that-3 doors down (Comment on this)