Muh Journal

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 06:25:43 GMT

Auto-Biography
"All these stories are the stories that have made me the man I am today"

Introduction

I don’t much know why I’m writing an autobiography at such a young age, but it feels like the right thing to do. With all the things I’ve done and seen thus far In life, heck there might be another two or three more to come. It might not be the most exciting book you’ve ever read, it’s certainly not “Treasure Island” or “The Great Gatsby” but it’s all real. In recent years I’ve gotten the feeling that I’m really starting to know myself and it made me want to share my story…or stories, with other people. I hope you all enjoy it and it is my sincere wish that there is a little something in here for everyone.

Background…Check

I was born on March 29th,1987,the same day that Hulk Hogan defeated Andre the Giant in just under 12 minutes during Wrestle mania III in front of a crowd of 94,000 screaming fans. I wasn’t born to a horde of screaming fans, but I’m sure I was doing enough screaming for the whole hospital that night. My mom says that I was the most mild baby of the three children she had, and I say that’s just because I was saving my energy for when I got older.

My family was never poor, but we were never really rich either. Money wasn’t a subject that was talked about a lot in my household to begin with, we got presents on Christmas, birthdays and Easter and there was always food on the table so I guess that was good enough for us.Plus,we were raised in a household that never really put much thought into what we did or didn't have,we were always busy with church activities.

My father was a reformed drug addict slash dope dealer who had his heyday in the 70’s,listening to Jimmy Hendrix, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, and all the other bands that those kind of people listened to. My mother was a Catholic school girl who’s father died when she was 11 from a brain aneurism in his sleep. She never mentioned him much when I was growing up, but I’m sure he was a great man. She grew up a hard, hard worker and that’s something she tried to instill in all three of us growing up. My dad’s father was a retired naval pilot who started a construction business in southern Maine in the 1950’s and he still runs it to this day, almost 60 years later. My grandmother was a Baptist Sunday school teacher whose Indian blood made her very hot tempered sometimes but she’s the most loveable thing you ever laid eyes on.

My parents met In 1974 at a corner store arcade in Lisbon Maine, where they grew up. My dad was buying milk and my mom’s friends dared her to go talk to him. The rest is history. They got married when my mom was eighteen and ten years later after they had my brother and sister I came along, I’m guessing by the age difference that I was a surprise. By the time I was born my father and mother had stopped with drugs and alcohol and gone to Tulsa Oklahoma to attend Bible school and then moved to Northern Maine to start a church.

My dad bought an old burned out farm house on Route 1 in Presque Isle and gradually turned it into a beautiful house with a three car garage that most American families would kill for. From the stories I heard in church and at the foot of my door when I was supposed to be sleeping it was a really long process that involved a curtain as a bathroom door. My brother would surprise guests that were in the bathroom by lifting the sheet and yelling WHOOOOOO! like a crazed lunatic.

According to my mother,Bobby was quite the handful to raise.That's a statement that anyone who knows him these days might find hard to believe considering how mild mannered he is.My parents referred to him as being "wired for sound".He would do everything from not sharing his Cheetos to sticking forks into light sockets at the church.I'll attribute his curly hair to that moment in time.

My siblings both had,and still do have traits that they share with me both physically and personality wise.All three of us are meek in nature,and as hard headed as a ram when we have our minds made up about something.I share with my brother a more liberal imagination for the way things are while my sister relies solely on the things she learned from our father and the teachers that influenced him in his early adult years.
Sometimes I think back to when we were kids and my sister was really like our second mother.She still did sisterly things like dress me up as a doll with her friends but a lot of times when our parents were gone to meetings or on vacation it was my sister that looked after us. That motherly instinct stayed with her as my brother and I grew older and I genuinely think that it has caused a rift between us.It's not that she even realizes it,but she still feels the need to take care of us.

Childhood

As a child in Northern Maine,or as we refer to it "The County" there isn't much to do as far as entertainment goes. It's a place straight out of the movies in some senses,cut off from the rest of the world,an island unto itself. I guess that would explain the name Presque Isle.Presque Isle was once a booming military town,teeming with troops from nearby Loring Air Force Base.The only other real sources of income there were potato fields,Service Merchandise and the McCain's potato processing plants that dotted surrounding towns.Having said that you can imagine how one might get bored if you weren't an outdoorsy type.Back then,even though it was the late 80's we didn't have nearly the same technology based toys that we have now.No X-Box,no computer games...we didn't even have cable tv.All we had was hundreds of acres of dirt and trees.My father made sure we were always occupied though,my brother and I both owned guns,atv's and snowmobiles by age 5.We also were taught the intricacies of fireworks.This included how they were made,and sometimes...how to make them ourselves.I was too young to remember much other than breaking my arm when I was three,I fell down the stairs.That sparked the chain of injuries I've endured over the years.

One time,I was wrestling with my brother in a spare room off of the kitchen,it had a blue and hunter green shag carpet. There was a fish hook stuck in the carpet and it made friends with my butt cheek.My grandfather showed up and decided the best course of action was to try and perform surgery on me with a pair of needlenose pliers.After much trying to no avail my father brought me to the hospital stark naked to get the hook removed.My mom says that I rode the whole way with my butt to the windshield,mooning all the traffic that passed by us. Every time I got hurt like that I remember my mom getting hysterical like any mother would and I learned quickly to try to hide things from her unless it was urgent.When I broke my arm,my parents said they didn't know it was broken for a few days because I wouldn't tell them it was hurt.Not bad for a three year old huh?

There were a few things I picked up quickly in my household.I learned to love animals,to never ever lie to my parents,and that when we did something wrong judgment was swift.We had a lot of pets growing up.At one time I can remember having two lizards,two crayfish,a parrot Isaiah that would bite my ear,a Siamese cat who's name escapes me,guinea pigs and my best friend Robin.Robin was an Irish Terrier and we had a special bond.He was referred to as the family dog,but I followed that poor thing everywhere so I think that made him more mine than anyone's.Despite the love that our family had for animals,they never seemed to last long in that house. Robin had the longest tenure at ten years but even he got hit by the mail truck a couple times.The cat's would get eaten by coyotes or just disappear,guinea pigs....well they just seem to drop dead.Even Isaiah died an untimely death.I distinctly remember thinking something was odd when I walked downstairs one morning to find him hanging upside down in his cage.

A few months after I turned five,in the summer of 1992, my dad announced that it was time to leave Northern Maine and head south. He had a minister friend(Dave Roberson)that had a church in Tulsa Oklahoma and Dave wanted help running things so my father prayed about it and decided that it was God's will to help his friend out.We arrived in Tulsa a month before I was to start kindergarten,not very much time to get myself adjusted let alone make friends. The first friend I made in Tulsa was also the first boy I ever got into a fight with. For some reason which I don't remember he spat on me so the bus driver forced us to sit together for a week til we settled our differences.After a day or two of being hard headed we grudgingly made the best of it and eventually became inseparable.Without my dog there(he had to stay back in Maine due to old age and was put down)I had to make as many friends as I could to avoid being the weird Yankee from Maine.Kyle Waisner, a full blooded Cherokee chief's son was the first one on the list.I wasn't allowed to have sleepovers at other people's houses back then so he usually came over after school Friday and would have his mother pick him up Sunday morning before my family went to church.Looking back,he was really one of the only actual friends I had there,save Franky my friend from Maine who moved there in 1994.Franky,or "Swanky" as I called him was my first friend in life. He was the Yin to my Yang. While he was climbing book cases or playing in the toilet I was standing beside watching,making sure our parents didn't find out what we were up to.We had our first drink together at age 7.We found a bottle of wine in the back of his mother's fridge and took a couple of generous swigs and after deciding it tasted much like cat pee smells,we swore of alcohol. Instead we looked to other forms of entertainment,like drinking inane amounts of sugary liquids and exploring the vast fields behind his family's farm in Owasso.We found all kinds of things back there whether it be milk weed,rattlesnakes,ponds or gigantic old piles of cow poo that we would throw at each other.Looking back,I'm glad my mother never learned about many of our exploits,I probably still wouldn't be able to sit down to this day.There's not enough room in these pages for me to write all the adventures we shared together,although I wish I could.These days Franky can be found in Okinawa Japan where he is stationed as a U.S. Marine.

School in Tulsa was easy as far as I remember. The teachers were great,the kids were pretty easy to get along with even though I didn't share their love for Barney and Power Rangers.Jenks East was where I began to love the things that I still love to this day. I owe all that I've done on a basketball court to Mrs.Fronapple my elementary school gym teacher.She probably wouldn't remember me if I saw her today but she made a very big impact on my life without even knowing it. She taught me how to shoot a ball and dribble it when i was 6,and after that day I ran home and begged for a basketball hoop til my parents had one installed in the driveway after Christmas one year. Anyone that knows me probably can't imagine what I'd be like without my love for basketball.No statistical quotes about Michael Jordan's scoring average or the vertical leap of Spud Webb?No in depth arguments about why my favorite team is superior to theirs?It's not something I want to imagine going without!

I had to hide my love for basketball from my parents from an early age.I'll admit that I had a slight obsession with the sport from the minute I laid eyes on that round leather ball.It quickly grew to the point where I was wearing out shoes every two months,wagging my tongue like MJ and getting calloused hands even a forty year old construction worker doesn't boast because I was shooting and dribbling so much.Once my dad became concerned with the time and effort I was putting into basketball instead of say biblical and academic studies the punishments started to come in.I wouldn't be allowed to look at my basketball cards for a week at a time,or they would hide my basketball until my room was clean.I don't remember what age I was,but after I saw the movie "Pistol" based on the life of Pete Maravich I even slept with my basketball.I learned some tricks growing up which included waking up at midnight long after everyone was already asleep and sneaking outside to shoot around.There's a freedom and a bond that I've always felt with basketball that I've never felt anywhere else.

The house we lived in in Tulsa was a large ranch style house that had been built in the 70's and there was evidence of it all around. The lime green toilet,orange carpet in my sister's bedroom and golden chandeliers all were proof that this house truly was from a different era. I shared a room with my brother,it had been a sun room before and we converted it into a bedroom.I think it's the only bedroom I've ever seen to this day that had tile floor and sliding glass doors.There was a small basement in the house attached to the garage where I would hunt for toads and lizards frequently.Some of those toads suffered deaths due to my love with blowing things up,but we won't talk about that.The house sat on two acres of property with a large wooded area in the back where we had many an adventure. My brother discovered the awesomeness of poison ivy and also the gold mine that was a huge old junk yard.We would break in and pillage the old cars of their hubcaps and antennas then march them back to the house like we were pirates.It was really fun,when my brother wasn't stealing my loot or beating me up.

I got the classic little brother treatment until my brother moved out of the house when I was 12.Somehow I always ended up with phantom bruises that he could never explain and a lot of times I accepted the blame for things we were equally guilty of.One time in particular we were playing in the living room when my brother dared me to throw the rubber tubing from my slingshot into a ceiling fan to see what would happen.Naturally it hit one of my mother's crystal chandeliers and sent a light covering crashing to the ground in a million pieces.As I stood there shell shocked and wondering how I could numb my butt so I wouldn't feel the spanking I was going to get,Bobby laughed and pointed out what I'd done to my dad who was across the driveway talking to our neighbor/landlord Mr.Plumber.There were other times though that he was the best brother in the world,like when he taught me how to make a bomb out of a Gatorade bottle,gun powder and firecracker fuses.I'll leave the details out but needless to say there are some very tall trees that I'll bet are still charred and missing branches due to being part of our blasting area.

Mr. Plumber was a jolly old beanpole of a man as I remember. He taught me how to skin a rabbit,helped fuel my fascination with rocks and fossils by pointing out different kinds that were floating around the vicinity of my house and he let me watch him tinker with cars and machinery while he was working in his shop.He was kind of like my stand in grandfather.The rabbit skinning took place after I found a dead rabbit next to the grape vines that divided our property from his.I took it by the ears,brought it to his house and presented it to him like some it was sort of a trophy.He had it skinned in less than five minutes and I was left with a bunny pelt that I let dry in the driveway for a couple days.After that it held a place on my bureau for years along with my other prized possessions until one of my parents or my sister found an opportune time to throw it away.

My least favorite part about Tulsa was either the lack of snow or having to endure my sister's three hour show choir concerts that she sang in at the high school.All I have to say about those nights is PURE TORTURE!I think I've heard the song "Oklahoma" more than the people who wrote it. The snow was another matter altogether. Having come from a place where we averaged over nine feet of snowfall every winter,you can imagine my sadness and anger when I discovered the chances of having a white Christmas were about as high as me winning the Power ball. God and Santa answered my prayers and wishes one year though with a record 11.4 inches of snow. As the rest of the city sat wondering what on earth had just happened, I strapped into my snowsuit and ran around terrorizing the country side with my sled for the next week or so til everything melted and returned to the brown-green dullness of a normal Oklahoma winter.

In 1996,after four years of ministerial work in Oklahoma it was time to move again.The board at the church where my father was teaching with Dave had decided dad had become too much of a "Fire Breathing Extremist" and that he needed to cool his jets or pack his bags.My father was a very proud and stubborn man so he chose to pack the family up and move us to Idaho.We left behind the place that I had grown attached to,and it was the first time I ever remember feeling resentment.I didn't want to leave my friends and my big driveway with my basketball hoop just to start over again,I was comfortable.If it were up to me we would have stayed there forever.But alas,my dad's word was the last word in the house and we moved.Again.I packed my Stretch Armstrong and my Batman toys and watched out the window of a Uhaul truck as we pulled out of Tulsa on a 114 degree day in mid July.

The Nelson clan pulled into Hailey Idaho July 10th 1996.It would be the first time we ever lived in the suburbs.It was kind of a strange feeling looking out one window and seeing houses surrounding you and then to turn around and see the towering mountains.Our neighborhood was in an area that is described as "high desert". If it weren't for the complex irrigation systems,nothing but sage brush would grow.You could always tell where the irrigation ditches were because there would be a small forest of trees growing on each side making the image of a big green snake if you were to look down on it from a plane.

I remember when I first got to Hailey,thinking"there's no way this can end well". The whole way pulling through town I didn't see a trace of anything resembling a basketball court.For the first few weeks I resorted to filling my family freezer with trout caught from the Littlewood river.The first friend I met in Hailey was Rase. He was five years older than me but he was just as in to basketball as I was at the time so that seemed alright to me. My brother and he would go on to become best friends.We all used to play lots of basketball in his driveway after we got to know each other.There were fierce basketball debates,Rase was a hardcore Seattle Super Sonics fan and my brother and I were just as much about the Chicago Bulls.It was right around the time when Michael Jordan had made his comeback to basketball and I grabbed on and didn't let go.I remember praying every night asking God for tickets to attend MJ basketball camp.I should have known my dad never would have gone for that,but I still tried.Persistence has always been maybe my strongest quality.

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 06:17:30 GMT

I drove down the road this morning
It was well past 4 am
A few crazy thoughts,they crossed my mind
And I started to think of what this world would be like
If it were up to me

What would happen with no guns,with no depression
What would happen in eternal daylight
In a world where we don't sleep
What would happen if there were no land mines
And all the babies had their limbs
Well I guess it's just a crazy thought

What would happen with no cancer,no crazy thing called HIV?
What if I could heal the masses just like I used to see on T.V.
What if there was no more murder in Africa...over some silly clear stones
What if we blamed ourselves for what we've become
Instead of being quick to shift the blame?
Well....I guess It's just a crazy thought

What if we stopped to take a second to look at what's left around us?
What if we all would lend a hand
What if we really wanted change,instead of only talking about it at election time
What if we cared about family on every day and not just Christmas time
What if the rich really wanted no more poverty,instead of only when they want to be seen
Well....I guess It's just a crazy thought.

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 06:08:19 GMT

I never meant to love you
Oh just for a little while
Cause you see I'm not that kind of guy
I had every good intention of seeing this thing through
Baby let me explain

There she was...sitting in the diner all alone,tears coming down her face
What's a man supposed to do?
So I sat down beside her,pure intentions running through my mind
But deep inside she made me wanna do the things that only single men can do
I Should have just kept on walkin
I should have passed the forbidden tree on by

When she gave me that phone number
I swore I'd never call
But baby you were never home,you were always gone,
You left me on my own and so i picked up that phone
Dialed and hung up,then dialed again
Her voice was too much to handle
I'd thought about that moment for far too long

After that first kiss it was history
And now I'm reaching for excuses
Searching for answers,looking for ways to let you go gracefully
But I promised you I'd never go
Oh no
I'll just have to write a song about you
So my heart it won't forget you
And at last someday I'll say I'm sorry

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 06:00:48 GMT

Well I walked on past your house this mornin'
Just to see what's goin on,
You see I haven't got a call in a few days
And it got my mind a wonderin
Thinkin what did I do now?
Even a wise man doesn't have all the answers

Oh they say that only fools rush into love,
now it looks like I shoulda listened
two weeks was way too soon and now I'm just another victim
I've got myself caught in your web

No I haven't forgotten where I started,walking past your window
what I seen was kinda shocking
You could have had the curtains drawn
That man on top of you wasn't me
It wasn't me that had you gripping on the sheets
The sheets where I used to lay

But I'm not gonna be your victim
No not after today,and you can't blame me for what I do to the other guy
That's all I have to say....I'll go now and lick my wounds

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 06:54:25 GMT

Don't you know that he's never gonna come back?
Didn't you know he was gone for good when he walked out of that door?
I guess I can't blame you for being this naive
But in the future,could you try a little harder please ?
Don't you know...Life's always gonna be this hard?
Don't you know,That we're all in this together?
Don't you know you're not alone?
Breathe.....
Don't you know...There's no escaping uncertainty
Don't you know,There's no losing yourself in this world
Don't you know that you could run and run for miles,
You could hide behind walls of deep and dark poetry
You can cry yourself to sleep
But one day we all must face reality and see
That this is the way its always been,and this is the way it will always be

"And when we all come to the realization that Life is here to Live,to make mistakes and learn from them,that's when we really start to experience the splendor that is in this world"-----Anonymous

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 05:40:14 GMT

At one point in my life,A point that I can't even hope to pinpoint, I lost hope in humanity.I lost hope in the world that I had once come to love, A world that I think I knew didn't really exist but that I was foolishly still hoping I could trick myself into thinking was real.Somewhere along the road, I started to grow up. I experienced first hand things that take the innocence we all should cherish as children away.I learned that no matter what you do,you always lose. That's what our life on earth is all about if we get down to the gritty details. No matter how much we win,or how much we think we win,we are actually playing a losing game in the long run. The people we love all eventually die or fade away, the things we think we will never forget fall into a backdrop of lost memories that will probably never be dug up again. Your friends, or the people who you consider friends, decide that it would be better served to look out for themselves than to keep the selfless attitude that we were all brought up with. 90% of us become caught up in a life that would be better fit for a silver screen. We become part of the rumors that plague so many of our peers,rumors that most times are unwarranted.What is it all for? To feel better about our own petty existence? To make ourselves feel important?To keep the same self righteous,falsely pristine image that we create of ourselves? EVERYONE is guilty of something. No one is perfect. It's when we forget this,when we become the self righteous whore that we grow up despising and vowing to never become that we change.We become something that our parents shouldn't be proud of. I wonder at what point did people decide it is better to make up faults about other people than to put a magnifying glass on their own.

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 07:29:04 GMT

Excuse me Lord,If I'm speaking out of turn
It's just these difficulties that make it hard to be
The Man I always knew I should be
There's a war that rages on inside of me
I want to hear you calling my name
Telling me to come on home
Telling me this dream is over,telling me I've been sleeping all this time

There's someone in the mirror there,It's the better half of me
He's a perfect stranger,yet a reflection of me
And it's strange to see,what everyone around me fails to see.

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 07:36:10 GMT

At one or more points in our lives,we all make a mistake or go through a tragedy that we feel no one else can relate with.What I am realizing now is that there are more people out there just like me.It was very cocky of me to treat the whole world like it owes me something for the past six years give or take a few. My adolescence felt like i was tumbling through an unforgiving wave in the ocean.I took on a "me against the world" attitude and it has proved to be one of the more humbling times in my life. I've failed time and time again.At times I lay in bed and i look at the sky,putting everything into doubt,wondering if God is out there, and if he is,why he isn't changing my life for the better.I've looked at the success of people who I felt were much less or a good person than I have tried to be and wondered why they are so blessed.I felt growing up that i had to claw and scratch for everything that I've gotten whether it be getting into college by the skin of my teeth,staying in shape or having friends that I can trust. It wasn't until recently that I realized it was all my fault.The actions of my past have placed me where I presently am. During a dream I had last night the simplest of things flashed before my eyes."This world was and is yours for the taking".I've read and heard some version of that thousands of times growing up and have no idea why it took this long to sink in.

In a way it made me ashamed.Not only of myself but of the generation that is now climbing into our positions of power. We are known as Generation X. A breed that the human race has never seen before. We are more famous for our failures and shortcomings than we are for changing the world.More famous for not living up to the potential that we have than for inventing things to better the place that we live in,but most of all we are known as the spoiled generation and are in danger of becoming known as the generation that "pissed it all away".I am as guilty of this myself as anyone else. I've chose to blame other people for things that have happened to me instead of taking the responsibility and initiative to change my surroundings. Barely making it through high school without going crazy was my mother's fault until now.Becoming a borderline alcoholic was someone else's fault until now. Dropping out of school was someone else's fault.Until now. You are starting to see the trend.

Some of us truly are products of our environment.These are the crack babies, the street hookers who's parents and grandparents worked the streets before them.The drug dealers who have known no better life since they were babies.These are the underprivileged.Many of us, being suburban North America try to use the same excuse.We try to create a world in which we are the victims when really we are part of the problem.At some point in our lives,the majority of us(the fortunate,spoiled ones) began having things handed to us,figuratively or literally. I would dare say it's fair to assume that 99% of us don't know what it's like to collect dimes and pennies to be able to buy a new pair of shoes that we wanted at 10 years old. For middle and upper class America, The Bank of Mom and Dad was all we needed to get the things we wanted.Things started changing for me when I realized that I was wasting opportunity.As a result I dropped out of college. I didn't feel that i deserve to be there right now. There are people out there fighting to be in the position to get a College education.Half of us don't deserve the things we have. That doesn't mean we are bad people,it doesn't mean we are spoiled brats.It means that we should appreciate the things that we DO have instead of complaining about the 50 inch plasma that we don't have. It's about taking life by the neck and squeezing everything we can get out of it. Once Gen X does this, we can be in control of anything we want and truly live up to the potential that our parents laid out there for us.

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 18:48:28 GMT

Don't you know that I run this place,
And I've begun this race,
Must I rerun this pace?
I'm the reason its become this way
And their love for it is the reason I have become this praised

They love my darkness,
I make them heartless,
And in return, they have become my martyrs,
I've been in the poem of many a poet,
And I reside in the art of many a artist

Some of your smartest have tried to artictulate
My whole part in this
But they're fruitless in their harvesting
The dro grows from my footsteps
I'm the one that they follow,
I am the one that they march with

Through the back alleys
And the black markets,
The Oval Offices,
Crackhouses and apartments
Through the mazes of the queens,
The pages of the sages
And the Chambers of The Kings

Through the veins-es of the fiends,
A paper chaser's pager,
Yo, I'm famous on the scene
One of the oldest, most ancient-est of things
Speak every single language on the planet, y'all mean?

I am the American dream,
The rape of Africa
The undying machine,
The overpriced medicine,
The murderous regime,
The tough guy's front
And the one behind the scenes

I am the blood of this city,
It's gas, water, and electricity,
I'm it's gym, and it's math, and it's history,
The gunshots in the class
And you can't pass if you're missin, G.

I taught them better than that
I taught them aim for the head
And hope they never come back
I'm glad your daddy's gone, baby,
Hope he never comes back,
I hope he's with your mother,
With my hustlers high in my trap

I hope you die in his trash,
I can't help it all you hear when your crying is laughs
Somebody'll find you tied up in this bag,
Behind the hospital little baby,
Beg to share what addicts had

Then maybe you can grow up to be a stripper,
A welfare-receiving prostitute
And gold digger,
You can watch on TV,
How they should properly depict you,
The rivers should flow with liqour,
Quench your thirst on my elixers,

I am the safe haven for the rebel runaway and the resistor
The trusted misleader,
The number one defender,
And from a throne of their bones I rule,
These fools are my fuel
So I make them cool,

Baptize them in the water out of Scarface pool,
And feed 'em from the table that held Corleone's food,
If you die, tell them that you played my game
I hope your bullet holes become mouths that say my name,
Cause I'm the King Of This City

For Mom And Dad

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 00:22:09 GMT

Lately, as my third year out of high school and second year of college comes to an end, I find myself giving a lot of thought to not only my future but also my past. I came to the same conclusion about my future that I have been coming to whenever I think about it. I have no idea where I'm heading in life! I look at the majority of my peers, and as we come to a close in our college careers, they have their entire life mapped out,just as they had in the past when they were growing up. This thinking sparked a desire to quietly observe and gain information from these people and I found some interesting things that I hadn't realized before.If you read this and think to yourself"Way to go moron,I knew that already"....well I'm sorry for putting you through pain.The rest of you,pay attention you might learn something.

Most of these"kids" as people our age are still referred to, grew up in a very structured lifestyle. Every thing was about a schedule. Most people probably know what I'm talking about. Wake up at 6:30,breakfast at 7,school until 3,(insert extracurricular activity here) until 5,supper at 7, and so on. Couple the daily routine with a family vacation every summer and winter and you have what I have come to call a " Life Routine". Without even realizing it, you fall into a trance with a few highlights thrown in and the next thing you know,you're 18.Ready to move on to the next stage of your life.A chance for freedom!Little do we realize,most of us fall into the same. After learning all these things about my friends I compared them to my childhood and teen age years. The differences really were staggering.

I came to realize that my childhood and teenage years were the exact opposite of those experienced by the people that I grew up with and even the ones that I am surrounded by now.9 moves before I turned 20. 6 schools,2 colleges.You can surmise from there how much "structure" I had as I was growing up.It may have been do to a lot of things included but not limited to my father being a minister,both parents being fairly care free and the fact that both of them liked to travel.Either way, the way I was raised had more of an impact on how I have turned out as an adult than I ever previously realized . I have great difficulty accepting the notion that adults need to settle down in one place and put down some roots. Leave that to trees. If I had my way, I would invest money, never get a job that inhibited me traveling freely,and would never stay in the same place for more than 5 years. Unfortunately,society today has come to frown on people like me. I hear all the time that I lack commitment, or that I'm immature.I'd refer to it as free spirited. It's not so much that i fear settling...but that my love for travel outweighs the desire to settle down and have a family.

More than anything I fear that staying in one place will cause my life to become stagnant.With so much to be seen,so many people to meet,and travel being so cheap and accessible these days aren't we cheating ourselves by not leaving our state or province for 10-20-30+years except on vacation?The argument against this of course is that "you have to grow up sometimes,life Isn't about having fun all the time".I honestly can't count how many times I have heard that. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be a street bum that lives in a train car and drinks beer all day. I want a career,I'm all for getting rich.I'm just against it interfering with my fun.As I argued within myself, bickering back and forth about what I could do to find a happy medium, I came to realize that this was all planned.

A lot of people look at me in disbelief when I tell them my life story, how much I have moved around this early in my life. Some people even feel bad. I used to wonder and get mad when I tried to think of what my father meant when he said that there was a reason for the way he brought up his kids and now I think I know what he meant. I think that he was trying to shape me.Not so much shape me into something specific,but to make sure that I would avoid becoming something I would hate. What's that you ask? A corporate zombie. A 9-5 robot with 2 weeks vacation,1.5 children,a dog named Mitzy, a 20 square foot back yard in the suburbs next to the Andersons and the Smiths. My parents tried to raise us to be a free spirit.To raise us as kids that would think outside the box and not fall into the rat race that so many people my age are now falling into yet still be successful.So far,I think they've done a pretty good job.

For Mom And Dad:)

more from yesteryear

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 06:42:40 GMT

"My Last Long Journey"

I'll Throw myself into the river,I guess I've had enough
I'll be carried away on an unforgiving ride
I'll stand before its crystal waters,taking one long breath
Just to think about what life's been like
For when we stand on the brink
One should surely clear our heads
Before we slip away

I'll begin in Maine,it seems but only fitting
That the place where life began will be the beginning of the end
Past the farms that I once called home,winding through the forests where we played
Tumbling along I see the hill where my daddy was laid
I wish he had more time to see his son grow up into the man that he became

After that It's on past Tennessee,way down south where life's the way it's supposed to be
Thats where I met my wife you see,she was the one love of my life
There I pass the park where I first saw her
So many years ago
It seems but only yesterday
Since I saw her pretty face

At the end of my life's journey,when I make it to the sea,somewhere near Louisiana...I'll stop to think
I'll think of those who loved me,and bid them all farewell
I'll hope they wont be sad for me, this old man who's reached his end
I want them to be happy,these few I've left behind me
I've left the world in my wake,nothing but their smiles on my mind
I didn't go out this way out due to grief or sorrow
but rather looked at it as one last adventure....on life's long and winding road.

Sincerely,

One Satisfied Old Soul

New Song

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 05:35:11 GMT

Sunnyside Up

Me and you,we're like true brothers

separated at birth we had to find each other

and people like us they,

don't come along every day

Everything changed and now I'm......missing you,holding onto memories

wishing you were.... here with me(x2)

Every thing's all behind us

now we can can just look and laugh

inside jokes,Popsicle sticks in bicycle spokes

it's all changed,its never gonna be the same

repeat chorus(x2)

The phone doesn't ring as often as it used to

Luck is all that can keep us in touch

I need someone,just a little like you

It would help me get through

Cause I'm having a tough time

With life in general,there's some things only a friend can understand

I'm sorry for leaving,I never meant to go,

Didn't wanna leave you behind,but it just goes to show....
(Fading)Nothing good lasts forever

repeat chorus(x2)

end

Poetry/Songs from yesteryear album

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 07:03:57 GMT

"American Tragedy"

That house was red,no blue,but now its burned pitch black
Jimmy's parents really should have cut him some slack
But instead they put on the pressure,
Far beyond any reach of a sound measure
And this is where it's gotten them

Forced to live in a bubble
Jimmy was taught to stay out of trouble
No one ever knew the pain he felt
Filled with lies, he put on a disguise
On the outside his life seemed like nothing but clear and blue skies

But on the inside a storm was creating
It's been on his mind for quite some time
Last tuesday seemed like the right day,
To let the world know,just exactly how he was was feeling

He was twelve years old,much too young to pull a trigger
But this is where the new world gets you
No attention is paid,no discussion takes place
Just consequences are made

Click goes the safety, his hands are shaky
Its time to light the match,now pull the trigger
He just wanted to slip away,away
There was a real pain stained on his eyes,far after his heartbeat died
No one came to Jimmy's rescue
One more Twenty First Century,perfect American tragedy

"Her Name Was Autumn"
I still find myself just laying here
Thinking of her face,those lips and those cold blue eyes
All the nights,with her right beside me
In the bed of that beat up Chevy
Listening to the wind and our radio

It was playing our favorite song
The one we knew word for word
The one I know I'll never forget

But that summer's long gone
I don't see her smile anymore
Now that she's gone off to the big city
Chasing someone else's dreams

But I admit that I'm still hoping,when she turns on the radio
That she'll remember that night not so long ago
When our eyes would meet,and it seemed like we experienced forever
But it turns out forever wouldn't last much longer

I still have the radio,somewhere in a closet
The one that played our favorite song
The one we knew word for word
The one I pray she never forgets

"My Friend J.D."
It's nights like these,the rainy ones
That make me feel alone
When I remember her,sitting there beside me
Playing with her hair
Those bright blue eyes put a perfect sunrise to shame

There's a new girl where she used to be
But she'll never take her place
Things just Aren't the same
And I cant get the ex off my mind

About those promises we made
The same ones that we made a thousand times before
The ones we made before I forced her out the front door
Why?I'll never be too sure
But for now i just want to be alone
Just me and my old friend Jack
Lying on the floor,praying she'll come back

"Knocking On Heaven's Door..(v.2.0)"
I'll never forget the day I saw you there
And those things you preached at me
On the street corner not so far away
There was a fire in your eyes,thats long since died
You were speaking of when you came to realize
That this life you came to love was nothing more than lies
Lies and broken alibis,not the blue skies and dreams you'd been promised

I'd love to take you back,before your soul was shallow
Where there was hope there's a hole,an awful void no one can fill
Not me,not him,not that brown bottle or those yellow pills
How could anyone do a soul so beautiful so much ill?

But once the devils had his fill,
Once the daybreak comes again
I hope I'll be there
There to see the color come back to that pretty face
No one will be whispering that you're such a disgrace
Oh yes, what a glorious day that will be
When I meet you at the end our bloody,beaten road
And there we'll be
Standing together,knocking on heaven's door

"Matthew 18:10"
(Verse 1)
Father I know this life isn't what was planned for me
But thoughts of a better time truly seem so far away
I was hoping that one day you'd be back to come and take me home
Far away from these dreams that keep pressing down on me
But it's years too late and I'm still wrapped in these chains
A prisoner to uncertainty
Chorus

Come back for me,don't leave me here
I fear it's all but over,it can't be over,no...it can't be over(x2)

(Verse 2)
One sheep got lost,it went astray,
Thats what the preachers say
I cant help but wonder if that sheep is me
Distracted by the bright lights and screaming crowds
Not paying attention to this dark black shroud

(repeat chorus)

(Verse 3)
Bring me back dear Father,this is my one last selfish plea
My feet are failing,my voice is growing hoarse
And sometimes i cant help but feeling
Like i was forgotten,abandoned,left behind to figure life out on my own

(repeat chorus)

Outro-(Fade out)
Here lie the dreams of a once proud man,beaten and downtrodden,never to be heard from again.

"Heartbreak is an art,You're Michelangelo"

There's one thing I feel that I must know
Go on,do tell,we both know we saw this coming
But when you said you loved me,all those years ago
Was it all a lie?Was I just a game to play?
Was it love or something like it,
You're making heartbreak an art
I feel like you're masterpiece

Don't write,don't worry about me
I'll find myself a new town
Where no one knows my name
And I'll try to settle down,or have I forgotten how

I'll burn the memories of you and I
And the things we once held close
It's a shame your parents didn't teach you better
It's not nice to play with a young man's heart

In spite of the past I know I'd take you back
I guess that makes me the weaker of the two
I'm just a sucker for love
Love or something like it

- - - - - thats all for now,more tomorrow- - - - -

random outbursts

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 16:26:42 GMT

It's been a long time....too long in fact. But lets face it, at some point i was going to get a life and not be able to update every day.in actuality i'm only updating now to see if anyone still has livejournal.

I was having a conversation with someone the other night(errrr morning) and we were arguing about random things. whatever would come to mind that had any chance to start a debate seemed to just come flowing out of our mouths.different things from the usual ones that people argue about.it wasnt about who sucked...the yankees or the red sox,or whether tom cruise is actually crazy,or who's hotter...jessica alba or whatever other female celebrity you can think of. i was asked what the meaning of life is. truth is i've never really thought about it before...i mean...i have but not really in depth you know? so i sat for a few minutes,woke my brain up and started grinding away to see if i could conjure up some answer that would sound educated enough to make sense,and the best thing i could think of was this"we're all here for some purpose,and if you can find that purpose,complete it to the best of your ability and have a positive impact on someones life,well then in my eyes at least....you're a success". that sent the other individual into a semi-maniacal rage. WHAT ABOUT MONEY,FAME,GIRLS,such and such? They were good points sure but if you think about it they say that the richest men(and or women) are most likely going to be the most lonely and empty.so that proves that no matter how much money you have it doesnt really mean you're successful. some of the poorest people in the world have been the most successful. I hope to get to a point in my life someday where the money and other superficial things dont matter.To get to a point where i feel like i've accomplished something more important that physical wealth and riches would be a better reward than any other i can think of. Michael Jordan(yes the basketball player) once said that once you find your purpose on earth,nothing else is imortant.the money,the fame,the girls,the endorsements,they all become secondary.

Since then i've been wondering,"how do you know when you're doing what you're destined to do"? the response i got by someone i consider wise was"its like a light switch,you just know". Some people never get that swithced turned on,and it's really a shame.I hope to someday be a person that will have in someway influenced people in a fashion that will keep me remembered long after i'm gone.How i'll do that i might not know yet,but i've decided not to chase it, i know it will come to me someday, and that knowledge alone is enough for me. enough banter...it's xbox time!

talks with the old folks

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 06:04:16 GMT

if you ever want to do something fun and interesting, go find an old person and talk to them for an hour or so. you'll probably find that you're surprised how interesting it is. growing up,we're always taught that old people have alot of wisdom and what not but no one REALLY believes it. when you actually sit down and listen to them and hear what they have to say it's really awe inspiring how much they really do know and it kind of puts things into perspective.

one thing i've learned from them so far- your dreams get smaller as you get older.most people dream big when they're young,because lets face it,we think anything is possible.but as you get older it seems that everything shrinks.your plans for life, your aspirations,even the literal world around you seems to get smaller.i was told to never let my dreams die. it's something that's not very easy to do as i've found,but looking at some of these people...they have had the most outrageous of dreams for what they want in life,they get accused of being dreamers or being un realistic but if they achieve their dreams they end up being the people that we look up to in life. it's really an amazing cycle. the people that are ridiculed come out on top while the cynics to criticize them for wanting something unrealistic stand there looking at them wondering why they can't have a dreamers life.

another thing i learned- let words run off you like water off a ducks back as he said. he told me that if you don't take people's words to heart you'll end up in better shape than bottling them up...it's common sense really but i never thought of it like that before.good advice goes a long way,bad advice can kill you.you might be considered hard headed or arrogant or cocky but it will put you in a better place than listening to what people with no wisdom have to say

the most important thing i learned from this person was about respect. out of everything we talked about, this was what we went deepest into probably. he told me that respect is one of the lost arts in life. looking around, i realized that yet again he was right. i've really taken it to heart to try and give everyone a certain level of respect but at the same time only give respect where respect is due. i've never been one to respect a person unless they earn it,it doesnt matter if its my friends,my family or even the president.i've found that the more you respect people,obviously the more they are going to respect you and the more seriously you'll be taken. respecting adults has always been something i've struggled with.they seem to look down on you,think less of you just because you're younger.but when you respect them and listen to them and show them that you can be mature,they start to take you seriously and in turn respect you as a peer instead of someone that's beneath them...and you're a better person because of it.

that's about it for tonight,i'm bushed.the heat lost tonight...not cool.peace

What's Going On In My Head?

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 00:56:15 GMT

so yeah given my resurgance of interest in writing...or typing rather,i've decided to make a valiant effort at a daily "column"of sorts on here.we'll see how that goes.basically it's going to cover whatever random things are going on in my head,therby giving all of you a better understanding of how i think.today marks day number 1!.

Ok so i'm turning 19 in 15 days and i realized,what good is turning 19?it's one of those years where you're just like....yay i'm a year older whoo.at least when you turn 18 you're considered an adult,you're close to graduating highschool and beginning the life of a big person.Anywhere from ages 15-17 are you're "start work and get your license years" so that's always fun.and plus you get tons of presents on landmark birthdays.alot of kids get new cars on their 18th birthday,probably so their parents would be less worried with them trekking away to college in a new car instead of the 1978 ford pinto that got them to highschool faithfully through the years.

another quandry about turning 19? What am i supposed to do for my birthday? going to the movies or going bowling with mom and the fam is a little bit on the,shall we say,immature side? Theme park? there are none close to here and plus i think i've ridden every kind of roller coaster and waterslide at least once in my lifetime. 19 is too young to go out to clubs,so parading around watching my friends throw their guts up and being arrested for public drunkenness(however enjoyable that may be) is also out of the question. I haven't had a cake and ice cream party since i was about oh...say 12 so that's an option i guess(provided there's a scantily clad woman popping out of my cake).that people,was a joke by the way. Maybe I could have a mcdonalds birthday like back in the good old days. you know,scarfe down a few double cheeseburgers and a bucket of fries while i pound back a few root beers.after that,all my 17-20 year old friends could indulge ourselves in riding the merry go round,blowing party favors and sliding down the 3 foot slide that has poo streaks from the last little brat who had to shat himself while sliding without thinking about the rest of us who may want a ride later.I'm sure whatever i decide to do will be both boring but fun at the same time.

The biggest problem I seem to be having is what to tell people when they ask what i want for my birthday. silly putty and gummy bears have lost their luster. a card full of quarters is about as valuable as a sack of dirt these days and fake poo,barf,eyeballs and assorted colors of slime just don't have the same effect on people as they used to.what i wouldn't give to still be able to unwrap a brand new whoopi cushion and run around with my friends all day making the parents "fart",laughing maniacly at billy's mom when she let one rip.a new car would be nice if you have an extra 15-30 thousand dollars you feel like shelling out to a college student.a year's supply worth of toilet bounty extra quilted toilet paper would be nice since i've been having to use paper bags ever since momma left home..again...that was a joke. i'm sure though that no matter what,i'll end up completely content stacking my birthday cards and counting all the 1,5 and 10 dollar bills i got from various obscure family members,pretending to think the "i would have bought you a car but i thought you'd like a picture of one better" cards are funny,thanking mom for the pack of notebook paper and erasers that i so desperately needed and telling grammy "wow i always wanted a shopping spree at the dollar store!".i guess i'll just have to wait for next year till and see if there's anything outstandingly special about turning 20.I'm Out!

what's a friend for?

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 02:47:08 GMT

what is a friend exactly? it seems like these days the word is used so loosly that it's almost lost it's true meaning.You see someone at a party a few times and talk,and you start referring to them as your friend...you go to school with someone and you talk,you start calling them your friend.A "friend" is supposed to be someone you can rely on whenever you need them,someone who you can trust with things that you don't trust anyone else with,someone that will never betray you,never go behind your back someone that,as the metaphor goes,will take a bullet for you.

I started thinking about that recently and i realized that alot of the people whom i consider friends may not be friends at all. They're just those people that down the road someday i'll probably end up referring to as "oh he's just a guy i knew awhile ago" or "oh i went to school with them". Even some of my best friends,when i got to thinking about it,i don't really even know,or trust,and for good reason. They're the kind of people that you'd tell a secret and it would be on the front page of a newspaper the next day. The kind of people that would never do a favor for you but would be offended if you didn't do one for them. The kind of people that talk behind your back when you're gone to everyone and as soon as they're around you they're your friend again. I'm not saying this without good reason. I'm not the kind of person who tends to blow things out of proportion but it seems like this one beared talking about.

For some reason people feel the need to be fake around me. I don't know if it's that i'm intimidating or,maybe i just don't command enough respect to be real and honest around but for some reason most people just can't seem to be real around me or alot of other people for that matter.They want to be your friend when they need something from you,or when they need someone to talk to or someone to tell a secret to but it's a one sided alliance.Maybe it's the environment? In a small town maybe it just turns out that there are alot of cowards who don't have the courage to tell you what they think about you to your face,or act like themselves around you for fear that you might not accept them.sorta childish if you ask me but then again i'm the kid that everyone called immature growing up,the one that's never going to make it anywhere,the one that's "not going to get out of college cause he's too much of a dreamer".I've told some of my "best friends" things that i expected to be kept private just because that's the way things are with a real friendship and they turn around to ridicule and criticize me as a person,my character or my integrity but won't say anything to me personally.

The worst part about all of it is that you can know someone for 4 or 5 years and turn out not to really know them at all.it's like they just talk to you to get information to talk about with other people.of course when it's brought up they shun it with such ferocity that you would think they are going to have a heart attack.Of course i'm your friend they say!of course you can trust me!but in their head it's a yeah right i'm gonna tell everyone what you just told me. i can't believe you're so stupid.now all of this would have been completley fruitless without some proof so i got some. i fabricated a secret that i told a few "suspect friends" just to see what would happen.well it turns out that the friendship tree is going to need a little bit of pruning. it's one of the toughest things you have to do as a person,cutting off people that you trusted for so long and thought you could talk to and confide in.it's gotta be done though.

I Aint Mad At Ya

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 03:42:54 GMT

VALENTINES DAY IS TOMORROW!.and i don't care.haha it's kinda funny actually.all you poor souls with signifcant others are going be to be toting them around tomorrow while i'm free as a bird to do whatever i please.MUAHA!take that cupid you dumb baby with arrows.i owned you biatch.i'm daring you,taunting you even to try something. i can take it. haha anyways yeah tomorrow it's basketball night with rick station...he can be my valentine anytime lmao.i'm ooooooout update tomorrow

long time no talkies

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 10:38:05 GMT

so yeah this time it's been A LONG TIME...everyone seems to be abandoning livejournal which is always a good thing i guess. anyways i've been really busy with school and stuff. today i....wait today has been 24 hours for me. yeah i haven't gone to bed yet cause i had a lot on my mind.just pointless stuff too haha not even anything important.right now i feel like i'm on speed or something. it's completely nuts.i really just wanna go run around my house a few times but then i'd be tired and sweaty and probably would want to puke.anyways that's all for now have a good day all!

3 Weeks Past

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 05:46:28 GMT

the past 3 weeks or so since i've updated have been really awesome.i'd say amazing but that word has become cliche to say the least haha.i'm startin to get the ball rolling on me moving out of here so that's definitley cool. mom's gonna start having people come look at the house for the next few months while i finish up school here and as for me...i have to start packing stuff,applying at a few more schools,get a job situated in the new city and hopefully everything will be smooth sailing.i'm gonna miss everyone up here.that's what's been hitting hardest lately but i'm not gonna let it get me down,it's alot easier to keep in touch with friends nowadays than it was even 10 years ago.

other than that i've met some new friends in the past few weeks.they're all pretty cool.i met a few new ones from halifax too...or rather got back in touch with them so we're all gonna hang out when i go up next which is hopefully gonna be in the next month or so. i've gotta be here for february break cause i've got some friends coming up to visit.it's gonna be one rockin time baby!the past few weeks have been a complete whirlwind!everything with school starting,freak snowstorms,all the stuff i've done with friends.it's been great.

tonight i went to the basketball game and it was nuts. the girls tried their darndest but they just couldn't get it done.can't blame them though they tried and plus the other team was undefeated so that makes it a tid bit more difficult.the guys game however was crazy.horrible refs,hyped up teams,loud mouth fans(me,fred,wade...etc.)all made for a perfect atmosphere.we were ahead most of the game and then about 5 minutes into the fourth they started making a push and actually caught a lead. one of our guys was playing horrible but then zach came back in and they took control again and ended up winning by like 7.it's always great going to a tight game and seeing a bunch of my friends from highschool was nice.well......i'm ungawdly tired so i am gonna go hit the hay before school tomorrow.stay outta trouble,and if you must make trouble...don't let anyone catch you. i'm out like a light! oh btw i've got a killer cold so if you're around me,might wanna not drink after me or anything.later!

And The Beat Goes On and On.....

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 07:58:29 GMT

This is gonna be my new years journal.and it'll probably be a long entry haha. well it's 2:14 am and i have nothing better to do right now so i was like hey let's write a journal. the new years weekend was interesting to say the least.some crazy shite happened and most of it wasn't good for the people involved but hey it gave me a good laugh!i seriously felt like i was back in highschool again. there was even a love triangle that escalated into a love square and i think it's fair to say that all 4 people got screwed over in that deal.thank the lord i wasn't involved. there was a car accident at the party i was at,being that i'm a nice friend and agreed to drive all their drunk behinds home.the party itself was boring except for the girls bumper being ripped off.when a bunch of us came back here around 11:30 i had 2 depressed friends to deal with.they were lovesick pups.meanwhile i'm thinking wow...it's new years eve,you have your best friends around you all together for maybe the last time and all you can think about is girls,how selfish.i didn't get too bent out of shape.i didn't even take it personally when i took a long time taking someone home and all my friends assumed i was off gettin a piece.boys will be boys right?what really set me off though was at 2:30 in the morning when i got a phone call from someone who i wasn't expecting.i was thinking SWEET deon or daniel is calling me to say happy new year and instead it's a girl's voice.so now i'm confused.there are probably only 5 girls i would like to hear from right about now and it didn't sound like any of them...i wasn't that lucky.but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.it was HER...the L word.everyone knows what i'm talkin bout.at first i was mad,but then i saw it as an opportunity.

This is when i did something that might have been a tid bit on the mean side even for my standards but heyyy it seemed good at the time.she said blah blah we should hang out i'm sorry for everything blah blah and i'm thinking o..my...gawd...you have got to be kidding me.so i tore into her for about an hour. i wasn't gonna let her ruin my new year by getting my caught up in some stupid love drama.so i fired on all cylinders and i guess she was quite a mess after we got off the phone.i'm heartless i know.but i'll explain.this whole time part of me was thinking wow you should forgive her and start off fresh with her. then logic kicked in.she did it to you twice before,she'll do it again,all you are is a fallback guy. so i forgave her but definitley let her know what i think of her in general.see i was also thinking hey this is a new year,a fresh slate...let's not start it off on the wrong foot. overall i would say i did the right thing but i could have been less harsh.maybe just a tid.but she DID deserve most of it.i don't regret anything i said,maybe it's what she needed to hear.now i can find a girl that's not deceitful and doesn't use boys :)

speaking of which,my brother is getting a divorce...after a 9 year relationship, 7 years of marriage and three kids,the girl decides she never liked him like that and maybe she should tell him. i can't imagine what's going through his head right now.well maybe just a little bit but on a smaller scale.i've learned over the past 3 or 4 years that my brother and i are pretty much twins.we look the same,act the same,have the same interests,all that stuff.but 9 years?i mean come on...that's gotta hit hard.the good news is that he's still young(25)and he's got plenty of time to rebound from that kind of punch.he's definitley the epitome of the phrase just grin and bear it.i talked to him for 2 hours and he didn't seemed phased in the least.at least not on the surface. he said "oh well ,life goes on"....now that takes some freakin integrity right there.everyone i know freaks out over relationship breakups that are over something that lasted a matter of months(myself included)let alone years. the man gets alot of respect from me.my brother is officially my hero.no doubt.the love of his life proverbially chops his balls off and hands them to him on a plate and he smiles and says oh well....that's gonna make her think a bit..so good luck to him in his future exploits and i'm definitley gonna watch and learn.after all,he's taught me everything i know about the female race up to this point.i know it seems like i'm blabbering at this point so i'll stop.

The main thing that i was concerned with coming into this year is actually what i've been talking about for the past half hour.girls.i was thinking about it a few nights ago until 3 in the morning.i'm ready to take another stab at the whole dating scene.at least i think i am. i decided that it's kinda foolish to take out my anger and frustration on all of them and that i should just forget it all and start fresh.i've learned from my mistakes,and i'm definitley gonna be more careful this time around.things could be different this time or at least that's what i'm hoping for. i've matured alot over the past well even 6 months i'd say.i know how to read situations better and easily know how to handle situations better.plus college made me attack the shyness that i had left in me and i'm pretty much back to how i was before i was thrust into the pits of dating hell...Maine.haha just kidding.but now that my self esteem and courage are back intact i'm ready to go get em,errrr at least give it a shot.and even though the past oh 4 or 5 relationships i've been in have been almost completely fruitless,they all have one thing in common.they helped me build up to the realization that love isn't something that's found easily,it's gotta be worked for.and it's going to take A LOT of effort.so... it's back to the good ol' days.go through girls like water till you find a good one.the main thing that i've learned in the past few years is when you have doubt,dump them.it's not worth wasting your time just so you have someone to go to the movies with and hang out with on occasion. this time is gonna be different,i can feel it,i've earned it.heck maybe i can even help a few friends out along the way,just like me and deon used to do back in the day.I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack!Oh and guys,if i snap out of this beat the crap out of me....and there is hope,just keep plowin through the sluts and b- - - - s...there's good girls out there you just gotta find one and hang on to her

My Life Part 1..continued

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 06:45:35 GMT

Where did i leave off? i think it was somewhere around age 5.other than a few broken bones and some stitches courtesy of my brother...actually i should tell that story.i'll make it short. i was wrestling bobby one morning and lo and behold there was a fish hook somewhere on the floor.guess who rolled onto it?yep you guessed it. your's truly.my gramp tried pulling it out with a pair of pliers...ouch.so after a trip to the hospital where i was mooning everyone on the way,7 stitches and a tetnis shot later i was ok.other than the fact i couldn't sit down for a week or so.the summer of my 5th year on this beautiful planet we moved 2000 miles away from everything i knew.all my friends,family and everything.it was time to start over,something i'd be getting used to as the years went on.we stayed in oklahoma for 4 years and i built friendships that i still have to this day. we don't keep in contact that much but i have so many memories there,it's pretty much the closest thing to a home in this country that i have. my dad's pastoring was going well.actually so well that he started travelling away from home more and more.

with the travel though came money and with that popularity within the christianty circles. he was on national tv a few times, local tv quite a few times and went to preach at huge seminars every once in awhile.my sister graduated highschool there,my brother started highschool,and i started my elementary career. natasha as i mentioned earlier graduated with a 4.0 and that's pretty crazy.we all went to schools that had thousands of kids in them.for instance my grade had over 1200 kids and that was one of the probably 20 schools in the city.my class was on good morning oklahoma once.that was pretty neat.my brother benched 300 pounds as a freshman in highschool and by the time he was done he was looking like a complete bad a** that you would only mess with if you had a death wish.but he still felt it neccissary to beat me senseless every once in a while.you know...just to keep me in line.we started getting along more there,he'd cover for me and vice versa with trouble issues.my mom loved it down there. she loved the whole pastor's wife get to know everyone role blah blah.our church had something like 800 people in it and all i saw it as was 1600 eyes watching me.it wasn't the same as when i was little....i actually got in trouble now

We never had a tv when i was growing up.well i mean we had a tv up until i was 7 and then it was gone.my parents always said that there were better things to do than sit inside and fry our brains all day.point taken.so instead we did things like play sports,fish,become infested with poison ivy,start bon fires,make bombs and things like that.and then there was the turtle incident.ah chip.my favorite pet. i called him chip because he had a chip in his shell from being run over once back when he was just a little gaffer.well one day,some jerk decided to see if he could cross the road and...he got hit again only this time he wasn't so lucky.big crack in the shell.so my brother burned him.alive.on a stake.and i watched my little friend squirm to death because he was on fire.my first emo moment indeed.there would be many more to come. pets in my house never seemed to make it very long.mainly because of me. you know,letting the birds go outside so that they could visit friends and actually thinking they would come back,setting my cat free so she could go find a boyfriend,seeing how far in the air we could get my pet frog to fly in one of those rockets you buy at firework stands.the one mainstay in okl.was annie our cat.she was with us from the first month we were there till the last day we were there.i bawled like a baby when i found out that we weren't taking her with us when we moved.emo moment 2.keep count.

the next stop was idaho.after actually getting "best friends" in oklahoma i moved yet again.when i was 9. moving was starting to frustrate me by this time because i could sense that there was gonna be alot of it.idaho was quite the experience.it was the first place where i went to a private school which consisted of crazy teachers,bratty kids and my mom..yes my mom was the secretary.needless to say i didn't get sent to office once that year. i was scared of the wrath that would come along with it. idaho was where i started honing my manipulation skills.making offers no one could refuse,like all my crackers and a glass of grape juice for a sandwich.or the basketball cards that became an addiction.i have thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of those babies laying around to this day.i got to see bruce willis,arnold swahasljselsaje,sly stallone and a few other celebs when i lived there. we lived in the same town as them and they pretty much owned everything that was there so it was inevitable.never did get an autograph though. i was still to young to really realize who they were.i knew the names,just didn't know why they were so popular.idaho was also the beginning of my brothers induction into pimphood. i quickly started watching him even though i thought girls were icky still. i knew a day would come when i could release all the pent up knowledge upon the weaker minded sex.they would be powerless..or at least that was the plan. anyways he had hot girlfriend after hot girlfriend and i wish he would have kept their pictures and phone numbers so i could make a pass at them.one of them was the 3rd ranked female snowboarder in the country for 14-18 year olds and mmm was she yummy looking. i was known to them as"cute little jacob"but they knew better than to touch me or ugh....kiss me god forbid.they learned when i started throwing water,shooting them with slingshots and things like that.my brother and our friend rase were quite the tandem.exactly like me and deon would become years later.
My deon in idaho was orey.his great uncle? none other than dwight e eisenhower.if you disbelieve you can call him and ask for youself...doubting thomases(by now i know at least ONE of you is saying "yeah right all this stuff is made up"but guess AGAIN!!)orey and i had many an adventure.one week we actually got quarantined because there was a mountain lion loose in the neighborhood.it was exciting.we had one friend whose name i won't mention that started a whole mountain on fire trying to make a torch with hairspray and a lighter...and i got to watch from my window as the planes dumped that red dirt stuff on the mountain.i wonder what happened to that kid...
One year in idaho and we were off again!orey and his family moved along with us.his dad and mine had struck up a relationship with churchy stuff and they became really good friends for awhile until he had problems with his wife...but we won't go there.kansas honestly kind of sucked.another private school,more snobby kids,jerky staff and so on.i didn't make that many friends there that i can remember keeping in touch with because i figured we would be moving soon and how right i was.the highlight of kansas was again watching my brother and his exploits with women.actually he dated miss teen kansas.ashley something.all i remember is that she had a porsche,thought i was cute and parked her porsche in my driveway a few times for me to oogle at.while we were living down there my dad somehow met some people from nova scotia.it was really wierd.anyways one of the pastors he met had a daughter,charity who would later marry my brother.they were like 16 at the time,started going out,she came down to visit a few times,he went up there and so on.after one year in kansas it was announced that we would move for the 4th time.i was 11.

Canada years-Present

I made a friend for life the first morning that i woke up in our oceanfront house in canada.i woke up on the floor,in a house i had never been in.i heard people talking,yelling where to put stuff,saw them moving boxes and such.i had no idea what the place looked like.i walked out to the living room,looked outside and saw ocean..SCORE!and then i met daniel haha. it was possibly the least interesting conversation ever.the exchange went like this
me:hey
Daniel:hey..you're the new kid my mom was talking about
me:yep....wanna go do something?
Daniel:sure..lets go hunt for crabs
And that my friends is how a brotherhood was formed.we met 7 years ago and have been best friends ever since. he taught me how to be ummm civil and controlled i guess and i taught him how to let loose and have some fun(i'm currently teaching him how to talk to strangers)we did absolutely everything together. i didn't like the kids that i went to school with cause all they talked about was hockey or how big the fish that their dad caught was.everyone was a fisherman in sambro it seemed. and they were all DIRT POOR.i was a snobby little kid that didn't want to be associating with poor people.and my parents didn't raise me like that.

that's where my ego started to develop.i quickly got the reputation as the best basketball player in the school even though there was no team.no one would play with me after awhile because my team always one.and we usually won money.not much,like 5 bucks but still.that's really where my love for the game of basketball was born.in a dinky gym that smelled like fish or outside on the concrete court that always seemed to have puddles that acted as extra defenders in our pickup games.i remember how excited i was when my dad got me a basketball hoop for my b-day one year. all i would do..day in and day out was play. if it was dark i would turn the light on.when i first got to halifax daniel was hopeless in basketball.over the years we go to the same skill level and i have him to thank for learning some of the things that i did.one year his mom paid for us to go to a basketball camp.that camp turned out to be the camp that the best kids in the nation went to during the summer. the first 2 days of camp were hell.we both had to un learn everything we had taught ourselves about the game and rebuild our games into structured team oriented ones.i discovered that there were kids my age with egos just as big as mine if not bigger. at the end of camp we both had gotten a reality check but learned from the experience and turned out to be really really good by the end of it. we went from being street ball pick up game kids to playing games with the top 12-16 year old kids in canada and actually holding our own.daniel got a little better after that but he kind of lost interest and started doing more things with computers and music type stuff. that's when we discovered deon..

In between all this was when i started to become what i am right now.after the first 2 years i was there it seemed like everything went by so fast. my dad had to start traveling back and forth working with the family business because the church wasn't bringing in enough money to pay the whole staff plus the 2000 dollar a month lease on the building.my mom was left to be the sole disciplinary figure in my life and that didn't work out too well.my brother had moved out and gotten married on his 18th birthday and my sister had moved back to oklahoma for college.it was just me and mommy.we never really got along great per say but being alone with her every day just magnified it.things would have been really bad if it weren't for my dad realizing what was going on and starting to give me more choices and stuff. every once in awhile he'd slip 150 or 200 dollars under my pillow and say shhh don't tell your mom.it was kind of cool having stuff that even my mother didn't know about after 14 years of them both knowing everything about me..that was really when my dad and i started building a relationship.on the weekends he would take me out to the country with him and we'd just talk,sometimes about the dumbest things or he would tell me stories about when he was younger and what he was like.that kind of stuff made it possible for me and mom to get along.one day he bought me a four wheeler.and old,junky,beat up four wheeler.when he saw i could take care of it he took me out on my birthday..well actually my brother did cause my dad was away on business at the time...but anyways i was told to pick any four wheeler in the store.wowwww.we bought it,i fell in love with it,rode it none stop.i absolutely hearted my parents after that. the church started growing and my dad was going to be able to come back over permanently soon...back to deon

we discovered deon at a barbecue one summer. i was playing basketball with my friend gabe and we heard a ball bouncing...we snuck up the road,the bouncing got closer and i saw this skinny little kid shooting around.turned out he was 3 years older than me.so we started playing,that night dee spent the night and slept in my closet.we developed a fierce basketball rivalry.me him,daniel and spencer used to play sometimes for 9 hours a day.it was swim,play basketball,swim,play basketball,play video games,eat,sleep,repeat.3 summers in a row.the three of us were inseperable. i can't remember very many times during the course of the 3 years i lived in bedford and knew deon that the three of us weren't together.we didn't even fight that much strangley enough.deon came to be what was missing.the third part of a triumvrant.together we had almost anything you could imagine.our personalities all meshed togehter to form a sort of super human.well maybe that's taking it too far. deon was the funny,really outgoing one,i was the "leader"with the big ego and pastor daddy,daniel was the laid back brains of the operation.he was our concious at times even.......that's all for tonight kids...i'll have the rest up tomorrow probably.

My Life:Part 1

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 18:36:55 GMT

Have you ever told a really long story and had someone say "jeez i didn't ask for your life story!"? Well i was thinking a few days ago and i realized that not that many people know mine. Sure my friends know bits and pieces but i've never been around one group of people for more than four years so that's all they know about me.I've been running out of things to update about so i thought hey why not give everyone my life story.It's out of the ordinary to say the least and i'm sure at least one or two people will have a hard time believing it but here it goes.First...A little family background

My Father-My dad was a baptist sunday school kid gone turned hippy drug dealer turned reformed drug addict turned pastor.Alot of my personality and some say looks came from him.He was the rebel of his family.Out of my two parents he was both the good cop and the bad cop.Strict and restricting at times,but hilarious and generous at other times.Looking back i realize that all he was doing was making sure none of his kids turned out their teenage years like him.

My Mother-My mom was a catholic schoolgirl that got corrupted by my father to say the least.She got into the drugs and everything along with him and at 14 she had her first baby(my sister).My mom is a classic example of someone who was prematurely old,not that you can blame her though.Between having 2 kids by the age of 18 and still graduating highschool with good grades she didn't have much spare time.Growing up she was the ummm well you'll see..

Natasha(my sister)-Tash is like my second mother.since we're 10 years apart we were never really close in the hang out protect eachother sort of sense.it was her protecting me from my brother,helping my hide things from my parents to avoid spankings.She's the typical blonde sister..no common sense,but had a 4.0 in highschool.She's also the traveler of the family.8 or 9 different countries so far,3 or 4 foreign languages and countless stories about naked natives and such.Oh and can't forget to put that she's an army wife. HOO AH

Bobby(my brother)-Bobby was my worst enemy as a kid growing up and now he's my best friend.how ironic.he's seven years older than i am.Honestly the only memories i have of my brother up until i was about 11 are bad ones.i'll share some but most consist of me getting teeth knocked out,skinned up knees,watching in horror as he burned my pet turtle...things like that.when i got bigger things changed.it was as if the first 11 years were initiation and now i was cool enough to hang out with him.go figure huh?anyways he's the successful business man of the family,rollin the benjamens,and almost everyone i know says he's my twin.the slightly darker,shorter..much more jacked muscular version of me.

The Elementary Years

So this is where it all began actually...right here in maine. i was born at tamc on march 29,1987.i was the freakishly big son gun right from the start.i don't remember the exact measurments...not like anyone cares but whatever.we lived on route one in presque isle in a very big house that my parents restored. as the baby of the family i got spoiled,picked on and everything in between.if there's anyone you can blame for how i turned out it would be my brother and sister. right from the get go they were doing things that would make them laugh at my expense.one of my first memories is my sister dressing me up like i was a life sized,fully functional cabbage patch kid(i own one by the way).she went the whole 9 yards.everything from bonnets and makeup to red tights and a tight blue shirt so that i could be superman.it's a wonder i turned out wierd...my brother would do things like say hey jacob if you hold that pack of firecrackers in your hand and let them explode i'll give you 5 dollars.whoo 5 bucks who could pass that up!10 minutes later in marches a screaming me like i've just been shot or napalmed.my poor 6 year old hand was bleeding and i couldn't feel it.he got spanked,i got my money and lots of attention.score one for the good guys.

I liked living in maine for the first 5 years of my life,probably because all i remember is the fun things like four wheeling and fishing and stealing candy from the sunday school room at church. being a pastor's kid was the life. it gave me ultimate power. with that title i could be the biggest brat and no one would hurt me because"i was the pastor's son"muaha i was untouchable.that is until someone got the bright idea to tell my father that i just kicked little billy in the nuts or something and then you'd hear me screaming bloody murder while i was being spanked.i learned to be nice awful fast after i was getting belts on the backside.my parents used to say i was the best behaved but that's because i was also the best at not getting caught. fear of the belt does awful things to a boy haha.i was a con artist.one of those...i'll give you a lollipop if you blame the spilt milk on someone else type kids.i was my brother's guinea pig and my father's protoge'.if there was anything bobby wanted to do that had potential danger he'd put me up to it first. you know..just to test it out. my father wanted me to be his successor as pastor when i grew up.for reasons still unknown to me i was the chosen one. sort of like a twisted darth vader luke skywalker thing.

That's all for right now...gotta go eat and stuff.yes i do have a life outside the internet. keep it real i'll be back with more later

Crazy Emo Thing

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 05:27:08 GMT

Yes I Am Reposting the same thing that andy had.it's really good.

10th Grade
As I sat there in Enqlish class, i stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best
friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didnt notice me
like that and i knew it. After class she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had
missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and qave me a kiss on
the cheek. I wanna tell her, i want her to know that i don`t wanna Be just friends, i love
her but i`m just too shy, and i don`t know why. . .

11th Grade
the phone rang. on the other end it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about
how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to
be alone, so i did. As i sat next to her on the sofa, i stared at her soft eyes, wishing she
was mine. after 2 hours, a drew barrymore movie, & 3 bags of chips, she decided to go to
sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. i wanna tell her, i
want her to know that i don`t wanna be just friends, i love her but im just too shy, and idk why

Senior Year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is sick" she said; he`s not gonna go.
well i didnt have a date n in 7th grade we made a promise that if neither of us had dates we
would go together just as "best friends". So we did. prom night after everything was over i was
standing at her front door step. i stared at her, She smiled at me and stared at me with her Crystal
eyes. i want her to be mine, but she doesn`t think of me like that and i know it. then she said "i had
the best time, thanks!" and qave me a kiss on the cheek. i wanna tell her, i want her to know that
i don`t want to be just friends, i love her but i`m just too shy, and i don`t know why

Graduation Day
a day passed, then a week, then a month. before i could blink, it was graduation day. i watched
as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. i wanted her to be mine,
but she didnt notice me like that, and i knew it. before everyone went home, she came to me in her
smock and hat, and cried as i hugged her. then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said,
"you`re my best friend, thanks!" and qave me a kiss on the Cheek. i wanna tell her, i want her to
know that i don`t wanna be just friends, i love her but i`m just too shy, and i don`t know why

A Few Years Later
now i sit in the pews of the church. that is getting married now. i watched her say "i do" and
drive off to her new life, married to another man. i wanted her to be mine but she didn`t See me
like that and i knew it. But before she Drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said
"thanks!" and kissed me on the cheek. i wanna tell her, i want her to know that i dont wanna be
just friends, i love her but i`m just too shy, and i don`t know why

Funeral
years passed, i looked down at the coffin of a who used to be my "best friend". at the service
they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: i stare at him
wishing he was mine, but he doesn`t notice me like that, and i know it. i wanna tell him, i want him
to know that i don`t wanna be just friends, i love him but i`m just too shy, and i don`t know why. i wish
he would tell me he loved me . . . i wish i did too . . . i thought to myself, and i Cried

HMMMM makes you think doesnt it.....I wish i could tell some certain person, the way i feel but i can't,the old me is gone forever,i wish i could look at her as just another girl and go for it....i just dont understand love today..............

thingamajigga

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 23:20:29 GMT

*The Best Myspace Survey*
* . . About You . . *
Eye Color::	Blue
Hair Color::	Blonde
Height::	6 foot 3
Favorite Color::	blueeeee
Screen Name::	J_MAN_06@hotmail.com
Favorite Band::	way too many to list
Favorite Movie::	look up
Favorite Show::	Laguna Effin Beach
Your Car::	Nissan Altima
Your Hometown::	Presque Isle Maine
Your Present Town::	Perham Maine
Your Crushes First Name::	uh.no?
Your Grade::	freshman in college
Your Style::	it varies.i'm vesatile lol
* . . Have You Ever . . *
Sat on your rooftop?:	yes
Kissed someone in the rain?:	yes
Danced in a public place?:	yes
Smiled for no reason?:	yes
Laughed so hard you cried?:	yes
Peed your pants after age 8?:	no
Written a song?:	no
Sang to someone for no reason?:	yes
Performed on a stage?:	yes
Talked to someone you don't know?:	yes all the time
Gone out of your way to befriend someone?:	yes
Made out in a theatre?:	haha...maaaybe?not in a long time though
Gone roller skating since 8th grade?:	nope haven't found big enough roller skates
Been in love?:	nah
* . . Who was the last person to . . *
Say HI to you?:	Rick
Tell you, I love you?:	oh wow i don't know
Kiss you?:	lee anne unfortunately....
Hug you?:	my grampy
Tell you BYE?:	mom and joe
Write you a note?:	mr.ben
Take your photo?:	yikes lots yesterday.
Call your cell phone?:	daniel
Buy you something?:	mom.hello christmas presents:)
Go with you to the movies?:	andy,dale and matt(lurch)
Sing to you?:	danielle last night ha
Write a poem about you?:	never...that i know of.unless i have a stalker and they wrote one
Text message you?:	sam
Touch you?:	where are we talkin here??
* . . What's the last . . *
Time you laughed?:	about a half hour ago
Time you cried?:	honestly don't remember.i don't tend to cry much
Movie you watched?:	mystic river
Joke you told?:	i can't repeat it someone is bound to get mad lol
Song you've sang?:	Move On by Jet
Time you've looked at the clock?:	6:10(in other words like 5 seconds ago)
Drink you've had?:	milk this morning with my breakfast
Number you've dialed?:	mom's house
Book you've read?:	Half Breed(Most Boring Book Ever)
Food you've eaten?:	I ate some gum does that count?
Flavor of gum chewed?:	raspberry,lemon,orange,cherry razzles
Shoes you've worn?:	my columbia boots while i was un burying my car
Store you've been in?:	wally world
Thing you've said?:	alright talk to you later
* . . Can You . . *
Write with both hands?:	yup
Whistle?:	yup
Blow a bubble?:	yup
Roll your tounge in a circle?:	yup
Cross your eyes?:	yup
Touch your tounge to your nose?:	nope
Dance?:	can't we all?
Gleek?:	yes
Stay up a whole night without sleep?:	yes
Speak a different language?:	yes
Impersonate someone?:	yes
Prank call people?:	yes
Make a card pyramid?:	i dunno.that would be sorta neat i suppose
Cook anything?:	mmhmm that's one thing i am quite good at
* . . Finish The Line . . *
If i were a ...:	rhino i would weigh alot
I wish ...:	that it would stop snowing!
So many people don't know that ...:	ostriches put their head in the sand to find water
I am ...:	hungry and sleepy
My heart is ...:	dark and cold(emo line!!!)actually it's alive and well thank you
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